Wasting Time W/Zelda And Company
by ChaosWEAPON
Summary: Yikes! Been a while. Well, now up is Chapter 19: Survivor, Second Half Of. Kinda. (Note: Blue Keaton- you should read this one.)
1. Default Takeover

Author's Note: I got permission to do this parody/companion piece from the Queen of Randomness, ~*Misty Dawn*~, so please don't tell me I'm a rip-off

Author's Note: I got permission to do this parody/companion piece from the Queen of Randomness, ~*Misty Dawn*~, so please don't tell me I'm a rip-off. I will try my best to live up to the standards of What Zelda Characters Do W/Their Free Time, but this is my first humor fic cringes, so bare with me on this. 

Disclaimer: Default Standard Disclaimers Apply. I don't own anything, so don't sue. 

Wasting Time W/ Zelda And Company

Chapter 1: Default Takeover

We find our heroes/victims in some unnamed room of the castle, as usual…

Link: So what do you think we should do today?

Ruto: Well, we could…

Link: I wasn't talking to you!

Skullkid: WHY DON'T WE GO SWIMMING?

Zelda: We did that already, remember?

Saria: Yeah, and Ganon was wearing those-

Ganon: Shut up!

Mido: looking around Hey, where's ~*Misty Dawn*~?

Rauru: I haven't seen her.

Mystery Voice Coming Out Of Some Void: And you won't see her…

Nabooru: And who are you?

MVCOOSV: I'm the new author of this fic, _ChaosWEAPON_. 

Ganon: ChaosWEAPON? What kind of name is that? 

ChaosWEAPON: It's my name! And you're one to talk!

Ganon: What's that supposed to mean?!

Impa: Wait, what did you mean by "And you won't see her…?"

Zelda: I think it means we won't see her. 

Impa: I _know_ that, but why?

Saria: suspicious Did you take over this fic?

ChaosWEAPON: Well, I…

Link: You did, didn't you? 

ChaosWEAPON: Yes! I rule you now! maniacal laugh HAHAHAHAcoughHaha…

Rauru: So, where _is_ ~*Misty Dawn*~?

ChaosWEAPON: Last I saw her, she was being teleported into another dimension by a pack of rabid time-travelling squirrels…

Link: Time-Travelling Squirrels?

Ruto: Teleported?

Skullkid: IS SHE COMING BACK?

ChaosWEAPON: Maybe. 

Darunia: Hey! You didn't forget about me, did you?!

ChaosWEAPON: Uh, of course not! sweatdrop

Darunia: That's better. 

Ruto: If you're the new author, shouldn't you be doing some speech about taking over?

Zelda: Yeah, like that other guy, what was his name?

Link: DeadeyeDave…

Impa: Something like that. 

ChaosWEAPON: Right, well…I AM TAKING OVER! I HAVE COME TO SPREAD CHAOS! MUWAHAHAHA! Better?

Ganon: Much.

Mido: Hah! Yeah right! I bet you don't have any power here whatsoever!

Link: Mido…

ChaosWEAPON: Oh really…?

Mido: Yeah!

Link: Mido…!

ChaosWEAPON: Taste my Chaos, pesky peoples of Hyrule! snaps fingers. Nothing happens. Huh? Oh, right. snaps fingers again HAHAHAHAHA! again, nothing happens. What the…? slaps forehead Of course! How silly of me!

Everyone: What? 

ChaosWEAPON: narrating _And so, our heroes find themselves in another nameless_ _room of the castle…_

Link: We're already there.

ChaosWEAPON: Huh?

Impa: We are already in a nameless room. 

Zelda: There do seem to be a lot of those…

Nabooru: Too late, anyway.

ChaosWEAPON: Too late? Why?

Darunia: It's the end of the chapter. 

Ruto: Already? 

Ganon: 'Fraid so. 

Saria: Do the ending thing. Now. 

ChaosWEAPON: Oh. Okay. ahem In the next chapter…WILL the characters get more lines? WILL I get to prove I have power over this fic? WILL we do something funny? WILL you review? WILL I stop using the word WILL? We all hope so.

Author's Notes again: Wow, that's harder than it looks! I'm still getting used to this, so tell me in your reviews if there is anything I should change or if there is anything you'd like to see wink wink, nudge nudge. Insert cute "goodbye" catch phrase here.


	2. In Which I Spread Chaos And Make The Cha...

Author's Note: (I mentioned DeadeyeDave in the last chapter, and meant no disrespect

Author's Note: (I mentioned DeadeyeDave in the last chapter, and meant no disrespect.) Whew! Chapter 2! Anyway, thanks to all who read, even if you don't review (although extra special thanks to those who did!) I just like to know that people read it…Although I can't tell if you've read it unless you review…So maybe you should just review anyway. Enough of my ramblings. On with the fic!

Disclaimer: Default Standard Disclaimers Apply. If I mention something you recognize, I probably don't own it. Oh, and the Ice Wraths, like the original idea for this fic, belong to ~*Misty Dawn*~. All quotes from movies and songs (ie: Freddy Got Fingered, Weird Al Yankovic's "The Saga Begins" etc.) are not owned by me

Chapter 2: In Which I spread Chaos And Make The Characters Miserable

We find our heroes/victims, not in a nameless room of the castle, but in a nameless courtyard of the castle…

ChaosWEAPON: HA! Now I can prove I have authority! narrating _The characters are_ _magically teleported to a random, nameless room of the castle…_

Saria: Hey! How'd we get here?

Darunia: She just said that we have been teleported to a random, nameless room in the castle.

Rauru: Pay attention!

Mido: I guess this means ChaosWEAPON _does_ have power over this fic…

ChaosWEAPON: Right!

Rauru: Hey! I said pay attention!

Impa: 'Spose ChaosWEAPON's going to make our lives miserable?

Zelda: Well, what does the title say?

Impa: _"In Which I Spread Chaos And Make The Characters Miserable…"_

Zelda: Curses…

Ganon: Hey! Isn't that _my_ line?!

Rauru: HEY! 

Darunia: Is it?

Ganon: I think so.

Zelda: I can say it better.

Gannon: Can not!

Zelda: Can too!

Ganon: Can not!

Zelda: Can too!

Rauru: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Ganon: CAN NOT!

Zelda: CAN TOO!

Skullkid: STOP TALKING IN CAPITALS! THAT'S MY TRADEMARK!

Ganon + Zelda: SHUT UP!

Skullkid: FEEL MY WRATH OF ICE, FOOLISH MORTALS!

Darunia: NO! No Wraths Of Ice!

Rauru: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Skullkid: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nabooru: Wait! Isn't the author only allowed to laugh like that?

Impa: No, I think it's open to anyone. Oh, and Skullkid?

Skullkid: WHAT?!

Impa: touching fingertips to Skullkid's forehead Sleep now. Skullkid keels over

Ruto: Rauru?

Rauru: FINALLY! Someone listens to me! You are actually paying atten-

Ruto: Could you get me a soda? Thanks.

Rauru: …………….slowly purpling with rage

Link: Hey, where did ChaosWEAPON go?

Zelda: She went to some random, unnamed closet to look for something.

Link: looking at the script Where does it say that?

Meanwhile, in some random, unnamed closet…

ChaosWEAPON: Hah! Found it! MUWAHAHAHAhahahaha…

Link: Oh. Nevermind, then. 

Ganon: whispering Can not.

Zelda: also whispering Can too.

Skullkid: ZZZZzzzz…

Darunia: Hey…Where'd Rauru get to?

Rauru: ………..by now, he is a very interesting shade of blue-purple

Nabooru: Who cares?

Darunia: Good point.

Impa: Speaking of missing characters, where are Saria and Mido?

Saria: Well, I'm right here, and Mido wandered off somewhere…

Meanwhile, in a random, unnamed hallway of the castle, another random, unnamed room lies. In this random, unnamed room there is a random, unnamed closet. In this random…you get the idea there is ~*Misty Dawn*~'s Dream Recording Thingamabob. 

Mido: Hey, isn't this that Dream Recorder Thingamabob? looks up at script Guess so…evil grin 

ChaosWEAPON: Hey all! I'm back!

Ganon: whispering Can not. 

Zelda: also whispering Can too. 

Ruto: Did you find whatever you were looking for in that closet?

ChaosWEAPON: Sure did.

Link: Have you noticed things seem to be a bit…Chaotic?

Nabooru: Now that you mention it, yeah.

Link: Would you have anything to do with this?  
ChaosWEAPON: bats eyelashes innocently Why, no. Whatever gave you that idea? thinks: He's on to me…Well, that can be taken care of…

Link: What are you plotting now?!

ChaosWEAPON: What makes you think I would be plotting anything?

Nabooru: Hate to break it to you, but you just admitted it. In the script. 

ChaosWEAPON: Huh? Oh…yeah…Well…TAKE THIS! pulls out a metronome

Saria: Wait! Stop the fic! What's a metronome? 

Impa: It's this little machine that clicks back and forth, back and forth, falls into trance back and forth…

Nabooru: It's used in Band Class, and such. To keep time.

Impa: Back and forth…Back and forth…

Ganon: still whispering Can not!

Zelda: also still whispering Can too!

Saria: Oh. Okay, resume fic, please.

ChaosWEAPON: Gladly. TAKE THIS! pulls out metronome. It clicks back and forth…back and forth…

Link: AAAUUUGGGHHH! NOOOO! RRRrrrgggg…falls to ground, curls in a ball, and twitches

Ruto: Link! NO! Say something!

Link: whimpers 

Ganon: no longer whispering CAN NOT!

Zelda: also no longer whispering CAN TOO!

Skullkid: ZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz…

Impa: still dazed, now swaying back and forth Back and forth…Back and forth…

Rauru:……..passed out long ago 

Saria: sighs Now _where_ did Darunia go?

Darunia: I'm still right here.

ChaosWEAPON: Oh, that reminds me. narrating_ And Darunia, having eaten some strange leftover rocks that had been in the fridge for an unknown length of time, was wandering around, muttering about rainbows…_

Darunia: muttering rainbows…la la la…wanders off

Ganon: CAN NOT! 

ZELDA: CAN TOO!

Nabooru: What are you two fighting about, anyway?!

Ganon: ….

Zelda: ….

Ganon: …..It's your fault we forgot, Zelda!

Zelda: Is not!

Ganon: Is too!

Zelda: IS NOT!

Ganon: IS TOO!

Meanwhile, in the aforementioned random closet of a random room of a random hallway…

Mido: still grinning evilly …I think I have an idea….no…maybe not…No! Wait! I DO have an idea! HAHAHAHAHA! This Dream Recorder Thingamabob 'n me are going places! grins evilly

Link: still in a ball, twitching and whimpering Daddy, would you like some sausage? laughs insanely

Saria: Okay…

Nabooru: Hey, how come everyone else is insane, and we're not?

ChaosWEAPON: I'm still thinking of ways to drive you over the edge. 

Nabooru: Oh. 

Saria: You know, I just realized Malon hasn't been in this fic yet…

ChaosWEAPON: Of course! snaps fingers Now I know what to do with you! narrating _And so, Saria and Nabooru were teleported to a kareoke bar where Malon was making her debut…_

Saria + Nabooru: NOOO!

Malon, up on stage: to the tune of American Pie Oh my my, this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later…! singing horribly

Saria + Nabooru: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

ChaosWEAPON: Well, that's the end of this chapter! Poor dudes…I _almost_ feel sorry for them…MUWAHAHAHA! Anyway, all reviews welcome nudge nudge, wink wink as well as anything you want to see in future chapters. Still trying to think of a cute "goodbye" catch phrase…Oh well. 


	3. Battlebots Part 1

Author's Notes: I swear, I never meant to go this long without writing

Author's Notes: I swear, I never meant to go this long without writing! But I went on a family vacation…and then I wrote in a different fic…but, while doing so, I thought up some great ideas! Kudos to all who read this, and Brownie Points to all who review! All ideas and suggestions (wink wink, nudge nudge) are welcome. Enjoy! note: Lyrics to I Will Survive may be wrong, I was doing it from memory

Disclaimer: Default Standard Disclaimers Apply. I don't own Zelda or Battlebots, or the SSB Intercom, or anything else that shows up here. I do own a pack of rabid time-travelling squirrels, so if you happen to see them, please tell them to come home, and then run like the dickens. 

****

Enstallment 3: Battlebots!

__

Most of the gang was sitting around in one of the many random rooms of the castle, watching television…

Link: WHOO-HOO! KILL SAWS!

ChaosWEAPON: HAHA! BURN, BABY, BURN!

Darunia: PULVERIZE 'EM!

Skullkid: YES! DESTRUCTION! AND QUIT TALKING IN CAPS!

Saria + Mido: YEAH! ALRIGHT!

Rauru: GYAHAHAHA!

Ganon: YES! SMASH 'IM! INTO THE KILL SAWS WITH YOU!

Impa: NO! DRIVE _AWAY _FROM THE SPIKE STRIP! _AWAY! _

Nabooru: THOSE SPINNING BLADES ARE _SO_ COOL! 

__

The rest of the gang, enticed by the bloodthirsty screams, enter the room…

Zelda: What in the name of the Triforce are you watching?! 

Everyone who was in the room before the others came in: BATTLEBOTS!

Ruto: Battlebots?

Malon: It looks like fun.

Skullkid: HEY! WHY CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

everyone looks at everyone else

Rauru: Yeah…why don't we?

Ganon: Chaos, you're the author…

ChaosWEAPON: Brittish accent Indeed I am.

Ganon: And you can make things happen in this fic…

ChaosWEAPON: Scottish accent Aye.

Ganon: Could you make up a Battlebots tournament for us?

ChaosWEAPON: American Slang Yup.

Link: speaking very fast OhboyohboycanwecanweChaoshuhhuhcanwepleasecanweI'vealwayswantedtodo-somethinglikethatsocanwepleasepleasecanwe…continues on like this

Everyone else: looking at Link ………

Link: …What? Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it!

ChaosWEAPON: Uh…okay…I guess…

Darunia: Right! We should each make our own bot…

Impa: And battle it in a tournament!

Nabooru: What should the prize be?

Saria: A trophy!

Skullkid: A BIG ONE!

ChaosWEAPON: A trophy of victory over the _Randomness Battlebots Tournament_!

Mostly everyone: Yeah!

__

Meanwhile, Zelda, Malon, and Ruto had slunk off to a dark corner…

Zelda: We should make our own prize!

Malon: What do you mean?

Zelda: Whichever of us gets farther in the tournament…

Ruto: Gets a date with Link!

Zelda, Ruto, and Malon: Right! they walk back to group

Mido: Can we make teams?

ChaosWEAPON: Sure.

Mido: Saria, want to be on a team with me?

Everyone: Ooooooohhhhhh!

Mido: Shut up!

Saria: Uh, okay. Why not?

Everyone: Ooooohhhh!

Saria: Stop that!

Mido: Alright!

ChaosWEAPON: Let's get started then! narrating _Several nameless rooms of the castle were instantly transformed into workshops, complete with tools, materials, and refrigerators… _everyone leaves to work on their bots

__

Several hours later:

everyone, their bots completed and ready for death and destruction, met outside where Chaos had narrated into being a caged battle arena

ChaosWEAPON: As much as I would love an all-out Royal Rumble…

Everyone else: WHOO HOO!

ChaosWEAPON: I narrated into being a tournament lineup instead.

Everyone else: …WHOO HOO!

ChaosWEAPON: narrating _A large tournament lineup board appeared next to the podium where the referee would stand…_

Link: So who's going to fight who?

Zelda: It says on the board.

ChaosWEAPON: There are three divisions that will eliminate losing competitors, leading to one grand three-way Random Rumble.

Ganon: So who will be fighting who?

Impa: Look on the board.

__

On the Board:

****

1st Division:

Ruto vs. Saria + Mido

Link vs. Ganon

****

2nd Division:

Rauru vs. Zelda

ChaosWEAPON vs. Impa

****

3rd Division:

Malon vs. Darunia

Skullkid vs. Nabooru

Nabooru: Chaos, aren't you going to be the ref?

ChaosWEAPON: Nope.

Malon: Then who is?

ChaosWEAPON: DeadeyeDave.

Everyone: WHAT?!

DeadeyeDave: Yep. You are at my mercy.

Everyone: AAAAHHHHGGGG!

Mido: Why do we keep yelling in concert?

Skullkid: BEATS ME.

Zelda: Do we even care?

Darunia: No.

Rauru: Can we get started already?

ChaosWEAPON: That's the smartest thing you've said…well…ever.

Rauru: Grrrr…

DeadeyeDave: Hey! Get to your places! cracks whip

Super Smash Brothers Intercom: **Division 1 Battle 1: Ruto vs. Saria + Mido**

DeadeyeDave: Our contenders this evening-

Link: It's 12:15

DeadeyeDave: What?

Link: It's 12:15. It isn't evening!

DeadeyeDave: Shut up! Our contenders this _afternoon _are Ruto and the Saria/Mido team. Ruto's bot, Jabu-Jabu, is a fish-shaped bot in the wedge design. The Saria/Mido bot, Deku Tree, is a tree-shaped bot with a sledgehammer. as Mills Lane from Celebrity Deathmatch Now let's get it on! Mortal Kombat theme plays

in the battle arena

Ruto: Die, Deku Tree! her bot hurtles towards the other bot

Saria: Mido, give me the controls!

Mido: I built them! I'm in control! Give that here! the two fight over controls

Ruto: Take that! her J.J slams into D.T, dirving it into the spike strip and under the pulverizers (hammers in corner) D.T shorts out

Ruto: Whoo Hoo!

DeadeyeDave: I declare Ruto the winner! And now, our next match…

ChaosWEAPON: Sorry. The fic's over.

DeadeyeDave: Huh? Already?

ChaosWEAPON: 'Fraid so. Back to the cage with you.

DeadeyeDave: NO!

ChaosWEAPON: BACK TO THE CAGE WITH YOU! ahem Tune in next time with the rest of Division 1 and hopefully all of Division 2. 

Ganon: Who are you speaking to?

Zelda: Nobody. She's finaly lost it…

ChaosWEAPON: Hush, you! I'm talking to the readers!

Ganon: Readers?! I thought this was a rehearsal!

Malon: We don't get rehearsals. 

Ganon: Then could you at least edit out that one scene?

ChaosWEAPON: What, you mean **this **one? 

Ganon: AAAHHH! DON'T

****

Earlier Scene That Had Been Edited Out, But Is Now Being Shown

Ganon is sweeping the kitchen floor while dancing with the broom

Ganon: singing Colors of the Wind from Pocahontas

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon,

or asked the ginning bobcat why he grinned?

Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain?

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

now breaks into disco moves while singing I Will Survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Thinking I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

I learned how to get along

And now you're back, from outer space

I just walked in to find you here 

with that sad look upon your face

I knew I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I'd thought for just one second you'd be back to bother me!

break dancing with broom

****

End Of Scene

Ganon: You monster.

ChaosWEAPON: Hahahahahaha…. Ganon chases ChaosWEAPON with a scimitar, yelling about "parting ChaosWEAPON's hair"

Link: Uh…let's end the fic now.

Darunia: Agreed.


	4. Battlebots Part 2

Author's Notes: I AM NOT DEAD

Author's Notes: I AM NOT DEAD! Yes, once again I apologize for the delay. I do have a valid reason *coughexcusecough* My humor muse, my very own pack of rabid time-travelling squirrels, was hiding. Again. There will once again (and for the remainder of this mini-series) be a cameo by DeadeyeDave. Oh, and I suddenly had a small flash of inspiration: In the last chapter, I humiliated Ganon, just because I felt like it. If there is someone you would like to see humiliated, just let me know! Any suggestions or ideas (wink wink nudge nudge) are welcomed! 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that isn't mine! You know the drill.

Chapter 4: Battlebots part dos!

We last left our competitors…

ChaosWEAPON: WAIT! STOP THE FIC! 

Link: Why?

ChaosWEAPON: My script! I lost my script!

Ganon: You have a script?

ChaosWEAPON: Well, I DID, but now I can't find it!

Zelda: Where did you last see it?

ChaosWEAPON: It was right here! 

Darunia: This is supposed to be random. Why do you have a script?

ChaosWEAPON: More of a note sheet. I write down random ideas of ways to make you suffer for the reader's enjoyment. If I don't write things down, I forget them. 

Rauru: Your future fic ideas, hmmm?

Ruto: What was on it?

ChaosWEAPON: Well, there was the tournament lineup, um…er…ah… AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I CAN'T REMEMBER!

Saria: Hmm. Pity.

ChaosWEAPON: Grrr…

Impa: Well, do you really need it?

ChaosWEAPON: Yes. Help me look for it. 

Nabooru: Do we have to?

ChaosWEAPON: Yes. You've been drafted.

__

Several minutes were spent searching. In the process, Chaos's room was trashed, and the Zelda characters stole many bits of incriminating evidence to be used in blackmail later…heh heh heh…

ChaosWEAPON: Well, we found most of it, but not the part I wanted to find…Hey! What do you all have behind your backs?!

Everyone: innocently Nothing… whispered giggles

ChaosWEAPON: Grrr…

Zelda: So what was on the last sheet?

ChaosWEAPON: Mainly the tournament lineup, and some…stuff…

Link: Wasn't the lineup announced in the last chapter?

Rauru: Yeah, and why was the SSB announcer there?

Ganon: And DeadeyeDave.

ChaosWEAPON: Would you prefer to have Leonard Nimoy narrate this thing?

Everyone: NOOO!

ChaosWEAPON: I thought not.

Ruto: Speaking of Deadeye, where did he get to?

ChaosWEAPON: In his cage. 

Ruto: Oh. O.o

Link: What was that?

Ruto: What was what? 

Link: That…that thing you did!

Ganon: singing Doing that thing you dooo!

Impa: Hush. smacks Ganon upside head

Ruto: What, this? O.o

Link: Yes! 

Ruto: Oh, it's a…a…An I Don't Know What It's Called.

Link: Hmmm…

ChaosWEAPON: Can we get back on subject here, peoples?

Darunia: Certainly. What were we talking about?

ChaosWEAPON: Um…I was hoping you'd know.

Ganon: Wow. You DO forget things if you don't write them down, huh?

ChaosWEAPON: Yep.

Nabooru: But you DID write it down!

ChaosWEAPON: Huh? Where? looks up Oh…up there!

Rauru: And didn't you write down the lineup other than on that sheet?

ChaosWEAPON: still looking up I don't see it up there…

Link: No, In the last chapter, dumb-

Zelda: Hey! Language!

Link: -bunny!

ChaosWEAPON: I will forgive that transgression, MAYBE, if the lineup is written down. checks Hey! It IS there!

Link: So I'm off the hook?

ChaosWEAPON: No. I'll let the readers decide your punishment.

Link: NOO!

ChaosWEAPON: Heh. Anyway, Deadeye will tell us the lineup. Dave? lets DeadeyeDave out of cage

DeadeyeDave: The Lineup is:

****

Division 1

Ruto vs. Saria + Mido

Link vs. Gannon

Division 2

Rauru vs. Zelda

ChaosWEAPON vs. Impa

Division 3

Malon vs. Darunia

Skullkid vs. Nabooru

DeadeyeDave: Last time, Ruto's Jabu-Jabu faced down Saria + Mido's Deku Tree, and won hands, er, fins down.

Darunia: Wait, where is Skullkid? 

ChaosWEAPON: Oh, I had Impa put him to sleep with that mind-trick thing.

Darunia: Oh. Carry on.

DeadeyeDave: Today's match is Link vs. Ganon. Link's bot, TimeFiend, is a complex bot with a lifting arm, buzzsaws, and a sharp spike. Ganon's bot, EIOD (Evil Incarnation Of Darkness) is a clamp bot with a wedge in the back. 

Ganon: Hey, before we start, can I go get a soda? And maybe a snack…

DeadeyeDave: No. To your places!

Ganon: But…

DeadeyeDave: NO! TO YOUR PLACES! AAHHHGGG! cracks whip

__

Shortly…

DeadeyeDave: like Mills Lane Whatever you do, I DON'T want a nice clean fight. Now let's get it on! Mortal Kombat theme starts to play, but Rauru smashes it

in the battle arena

Ganon: RRRAAAHHHGGG! DIE, KID!

Link: Hah! You couldn't beat me before, and THIS time, I'll do more than knock you out! DIE! TimeFiend charges towards EIOD

Ganon: Fat chance of that!

DeadeyeDave: like Leonard Nimoy There has been a heated rivalry between these two for as long as anyone can remember. It started when…

ChaosWEAPON: None of that! cracks whip 

meanwhile, the battle continues with much taunting

Ganon: EIOD slams TF Hah! Take that! What are you gonna do about that?!

Link: eyes seem a bit insane CHEW ON THIS! high pitched maniacal laughter MUWAHAHAHAHAH HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE HAHAHAHAHA! TF slices EIOD in half. Link continues to cackle madly GYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone: looking at Link go insane O.o ……………

Link: calming down Hehehehehehee…hahahahahahaha….heh. 

DeadeyeDave: Uh, I declare Link the winner!

Everyone: …Yay!

ChaosWEAPON: sweatdrop…Well, I'd love to do another fight in this chapter, but instead I'll use the rest of the time to say goodbye, and ask our readers a few things…

meanwhile, Ganon is crying and pitching a fit over his loss

ChaosWEAPON: Anyway, I have two things to ask of all you people. First, I would like you to send some suggestions to me, via e-mail ([Criosphinx@ffgurus.zzn.com][1]) or in reviews, your ideas for Link's public humiliating punishment for calling me a "dumb bunny." Also, I'm going to try to humiliate a character at the end of each chapter from now on. Tell me who you want make fun of, and maybe why or what you want my "NaviSpyCam" to catch them doing. For example, earlier today Rauru was in the kitchen…

Rauru: Huh? You SAW that?

ChaosWEAPON: You bet. Navi's been taping you guys when you least expect it ever since that Windmill guy paid her to. 

Rauru: You're not…gonna show that tape, are you?

ChaosWEAPON: Of course not, Rauru. I respect you more than that…Deadeye! Roll the tape!

Rauru: NO!

****

Earlier

Rauru is getting a snack from the fridge

Rauru: Hmmm…this looks good…yum!

pulls out an entire roast turkey

Rauru: badly imitated French accent Ah, chere…how are you tonight, eh? takes a large bite Mmmm…you know I love you when you wear butter in your basting juices…Mmmmm…Would you care to dance, chere?

dances slowly with turkey, often taking large bites You dance very well, chere…But perhaps you would like to slip into something more comfortable? How about…ME! scarfs what's left of the turkey Yum. belch

tape ends

Rauru: ………Grrrrrrrrr! 

ChaosWEAPON: Uh, that's all the time we have! Don't forget to send me suggestions…AAAIIIIEEEE! Rauru is chasing her w/ a large blunt object…namely, his stomach.

DeadeyeDave: takes out one of those MIB memory messer-upper things (MIBMMUT) and black sunglasses ahem… dramaticly I…am a figment of your imagination…flashes MIBMMUT ………………………

   [1]: mailto:Criosphinx@ffgurus.zzn.com



	5. Battlebots Part 3

Author's Note: Ok, I'm trying to update more often

Author's Note: Ok, I'm trying to update more often. If you've read my other fic, and are currently yelling at the screen, calm down. I'm trying to write the next chapter ASAP. The lines are still open for Link's Punishment Submissions and any ideas or suggestions (wink wink, nudge nudge) are always welcome. I'm also taking suggestions of what Humiliation Tape you want our local spy, Navi, to dig out of the vault. 

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any of this. If you do sue, all you will receive is my feather collection, my stamp collection, and a drawer full of random junk. I don't own Zelda, Mr. Crash, Breathe Right Nasal Strips, or the Weakest Link show, which I have never watched, or anything else that shows up here. I do own the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle, and lease them to whoever for whatever reason wants to use them.

Chapter 5: Battlebots part 3

__

We find the gang in some random, unnamed room of the castle, as usual. They are all taking a break as the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle clean up the scrap metal and general mess left by Link's brief bout of dementia during the last match. 

ChaosWEAPON: writing in newly-reclaimed note pad Hmm… no… maybe… no… possibly but not necessarily…

Ruto: What'cha doing, Chaos?

ChaosWEAPON: looks up Writing down ideas on my other fic about you guys.

Nabooru: Really? What's it about?

ChaosWEAPON: Stuff…you'd have to read it to find out.

Darunia: It's a Zelda fic?

ChaosWEAPON: No, it's about Link.

Link: Cool!

ChaosWEAPON: Bad stuff happens to him.

Link: Not cool.

Ruto: Am I in it? Do I get to be with Linkie?

ChaosWEAPON: No.

Link: on knees Thank you thank you thank you!

ChaosWEAPON: You probably shouldn't thank me yet.

Link: Why…?

ChaosWEAPON: Not telling. Oh, and I got a submission about your punishment for calling me a "dumb bunny."

Link: You remembered that? 

ChaosWEAPON: Yep. I wrote it down.

Link: Drat.

ChaosWEAPON: But I think I'll delay your punishment until the tournament is over, or until I get more submissions, or I wake up in a bad mood and feel like making you suffer. Whichever comes first.

Zelda: What was the submission in favor of?

ChaosWEAPON: Mr. Crash said to lock Link in a room with Ruto for three days.

Ruto: YEEEEEEEHAAAAAHH! 

Link: NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT! _NOT THAT!_

ChaosWEAPON: I thought about handcuffing you two together until then…

Link: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! faints

Ruto: Oh no! Linkie! Quick, I'll give him mouth-to-mouth! 

ChaosWEAPON: Oh, no you don't! Or I'll handcuff you to Darunia instead!

Ruto: AAAAHHHH!

Darunia: Hey, what's wrong with me?

Ganon: You snore like a congested heifer. 

Darunia: What?!

Malon: It's true. I've heard congested heifers before, and that's what you sound like.

Darunia: I take it those Breathe Right Nasal Strips aren't working.

Impa: Hmm. They should…let me see the box.

Darunia: Here. hands her the box

Impa: Darunia…these aren't Breathe Right Nasal Strips…

Nabooru: What are they?

Impa: Um…

Rauru: entering Why is Skullkid sleeping in the icebox?

Impa: Oh! I put him in there.

Rauru: Why?

Impa: He was in the way.

Rauru: Oh.

Zelda: The elves are done cleaning up.

Saria: Elves?

Mido: Cleaning?

Ganon: Let's go do the next match.

ChaosWEAPON: Sound good. Wake up Link and let's go.

Malon: How? He sleeps like a corpse. 

Ganon: I could make him into one…

Nabooru: Still upset over the last match?

Ganon: sobbing Yes.

Nabooru: There, there.

Zelda: I have an idea. bends down near Link YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK, GOODBYE.

Link: wakes up AAAAHHHH! Man, I dreamt I was on Weakest Link! 

Zelda: Imagine that.

Saria: Impa, what _were _those Breathe Right Nasal Strips?

Impa: They were-

ChaosWEAPON: Enough stalling, peoples! I wanna see Link fight Ruto! Move it, move!

Ruto: I have to fight Link?!

Zelda: Of course.

Ruto: But…but…I fight Link, he won't like me…But if I don't, I won't win that date…Can't…fight…Must…fight…Can't…Must…Can't…Must…

Mido: She's gonna break her brain. 

Saria: Uh huh.

Ruto: Rrrrgggg…  
Link: You think so?

ChaosWEAPON: Probably. 

Link: Hmmm….

ChaosWEAPON: Don't taunt her. I'd only make it worse…

Link: That's the idea.

ChaosWEAPON: …for you if I have to chain you together.

Link: meekly I'll be good. 

ChaosWEAPON: Good. Hey, Deadeye! What's the status?

DeadeyeDave: We are at the First Division Semifinals. The matchup is Link vs. Ruto. And you can look up the other divisions yourself, 'cause I'm sick of announcing it.

ChaosWEAPON: Hmmm…?

DeadeyeDave: Grrrr…2nd Division: Rauru vs. Zelda + CW vs. Impa. 3rd Division: Malon vs. Darunia + Skullkid vs. Nabooru.

ChaosWEAPON: Thankies.

DeadeyeDave: …

Ganon: Can we start the fight? I want to see Link get pummeled.

Nabooru: Yeah!

Impa: Hey, you don't suppose Skullkid will be mad at us for trancing him to sleep and then putting him in the icebox, do you?

Rauru: Nah.

DeadeyeDave: The next match is between Link and Ruto. Ruto loves Link, and Link is a player, so he refuses to go out with her.

Link: Hey! I'm not a player!

DeadeyeDave: Prove it. Date her.

Link: No!

Everyone: *coughLink'saplayercough*

Link: Grrr…

DeadeyeDave: Ruto's bot, Jabu-Jabu, made fish-meat out of Saria + Mido's Deku Tree. Last time, Link's bot TimeFiend sent Ganon's EIOD (Evil Incarnation Of Darkness) to the void between the realms, commonly known as the junk heap. Now, the returning champions will battle it out for the slot in the Finals. We hope to prove today that All is Fair in Love and War.

ChaosWEAPON: Didn't you say something about an interview with one of the competitors?

DeadeyeDave: No, but I will now. We have Mr. Crash interviewing Ruto. Mr. Crash, are you ready?

Mr. Crash: Yes, Deadeye, I can hear you loud and clear.

DeadeyeDave: I didn't ask you that.

Mr. Crash: I know. I'm here with Ruto now. Ruto, can you tell us what you think of the matchup?

Ruto: Arrrgggghhhh…Can't…fight…Must…win…

Mr. Crash: I see. And how do you think you will fare in the battle?

Ruto: Aarrrrgggghhhhhh….All your base…are belong…to us…rrrrggggghhhh….

Mr. Crash: …Back to you Deadeye.

DeadeyeDave: like Jim Carrey Alrighty, then. like Mills Lane Now let's get it on!

in the battle arena

Link: You're going down, Ruto! revs up TimeFiend

Ruto: Rrrrrggggghhhhhhaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh…

Link: Um…ah, well. TAKE THIS! slams TF into JJ, cutting a large hole

Malon: Oh, no. He's not going to do that demented laugh thing again, is he?

Zelda: Let's hope not.

Link: laughing insanely

Zelda: Yep.

Ruto: seems to come to Hunnnnmmmmm?

Link: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TF slams JJ into spike strip

Ruto: blinks

Rauru: Did you just hear something snap?

Nabooru: Only Ruto's sanity, why?

Rauru: Just wondering.

Link: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ruto: AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEYYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYAAAAAAHHHHH!

ChaosWEAPON: Oh, great. Now they're BOTH insane.

Darunia: oblivious to insanity in the ring So, Impa, what _were_ those Breathe Right Nasal Strips?

Impa: They were-

Malon: Hey! Pay attention!

Impa: To what?

Malon: The fight! It's almost over!

Nabooru: I think it IS over.

DeadeyeDave: Er…looks at the wreckage of JJ I declare Link the winner!

Link: AHAHAHA! I WON! I'M THE BEST!

DeadeyeDave: Uh huh. Go sit down now, Link.  
Link: Ok. 

SSB Announcer: **Division 1 Champion: Link!**

Everyone: Yay! cheers

ChaosWEAPON: Alright! Great chapter, everyone!

Rauru: But aren't you going to humiliate someone, like you did to me and Ganon?

ChaosWEAPON: I already did. The Breathe Right Nasal Strips, remember?

Ganon: Oh. But we didn't find out what they were!

Impa: sigh I'll say it again: They were-

Ruto: who is curled in a ball ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! AAAAHHHHH!

DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash, dressed as the Men in White, put her in a strait jacket and take her away

ChaosWEAPON: We should end this now, before it goes anywhere. 

Everyone: Ok.

Saria: Hey, you haven't done the ending thing in a while.

Zelda: True.

ChaosWEAPON: Ok. deep breath WILL we ever find out what Darunia's Breathe Right Nasal Strips actually were? WILL Ruto recover? WILL you send in ideas for Link's punishment? WILL the characters find out what my other fic is about? WILL ~*Misty Dawn*~ ever review this fic again? WILL she not be offended by me having said that? WILL any other authors show up in this fic? WILL I stop using the word WILL? We all hope so. Byebyies!


	6. Battlebots Division 2

Author's Notes: Ok

Author's Notes: Ok! The start of Division 2! Wow, this is stretching out a bit, isn't it? I'll try to finish it soon, though, because I have come up with some really good and random ideas for future chapters, and I wrote them down! Oh, and I still need you to send me your opinions on Link's Public Humiliating Punishment for calling me a "dumb bunny." And if there is a character you want to see tortured, tell me who it is and I will mercilessly use the NaviSpyCam to mortally embarrass them (heh heh heh). 

Disclaimer: Don't own, yadda yadda yadda..

Chapter 6: Battlebots Division 2

__

In some unnamed, random room of the castle…

ChaosWEAPON: narrating _Our heroes are transported to some random courtyard of the castle…_

Malon: Chaos, will you quit doing that?!

ChaosWEAPON: No.

Nabooru: That's the third time in ten minutes!

Mido: And it's making me sick to my stomach…

everyone edges away from Mido

Ganon: So, everyone, what's new?

Impa: Not much.

Rauru: Nope.

Link: Nada.

Ruto: Except that Chaos keeps moving us.

Ganon: Besides that.

Zelda: I think Division 2 starts today.

Saria: Who's going to fight?

Zelda: I don't know. Or care.

ChaosWEAPON: narrating _The heroes are teleported to some random, unnamed room of the castle…_

Link: QUIT DOING THAT!

Malon: You probably shouldn't yell at her…

Link: Why not?

Ganon: You're still in trouble. Remember?

Link: Oh. 

ChaosWEAPON: That reminds me…

Link: Uh oh.

ChaosWEAPON: There was another submission about your punishment.

Link: Why are you punishing me, anyway? Mido disrespected your Author's Powers when you first showed up, and you didn't punish him.

ChaosWEAPON: He'll get what's coming to him. Anyway, I'm starting to sense a trend in the submissions…

Link: I hope it's not what I think it is.

Ganon: Probably.

Ruto: Ooh! I wanna know! What does who think Link should do?

ChaosWEAPON: TempleMaster14 thinks Link should have to kiss you. In front of everyone. 

Ruto: YEEEEEEE! ^_^

Link: AAAAAHHHHHGGGGG! @_@

Saria: Woah! What was that?!

Malon: Those little face-things?

Saria: Is that what they are?

Malon: I think so.

Saria: Creepy.

ChaosWEAPON: narrating _The heroes are transported back to the random, unnamed courtyard…_

Impa: Cut that out!

ChaosWEAPON: Too late. Already wrote it.

Impa: I meant stop doing it, and you know it!

ChaosWEAPON: I know. I also knew that you'd know that I knew.

Impa: And I knew that you'd know that I knew that you'd know.

ChaosWEAPON: But I knew that you'd know that I knew that you'd know that I knew.

Impa: Hah! I knew that you'd know that I knew that you'd know that I knew that you'd know!

ChaosWEAPON: And I knew…um…who knew what?

Impa: I lost track.

ChaosWEAPON: Oh well.

Nabooru: Is anyone missing? I think someone's missing.

Impa: Well, Skullkid is still in the icebox…

Ruto: And Darunia went to get some Breathe Right Nasal Strips.

Impa: I hope he buys the right thing this time.

Link: We're never going to find out what those were, will we Chaos?

ChaosWEAPON: Possibly but not likely.

Saria: Don't you think you've stalled enough?

ChaosWEAPON: Yeah. Let's go start that second division.

near the ring

ChaosWEAPON: Ready to start the second division?

DeadeyeDave: Of course.

Saria: Who's fighting?

SSB Intercom: **Division 2 Battle 1: Zelda vs. Rauru**

Zelda: My turn already?

Ganon: Yep.

Rauru: Mr. Burns style Excellent…

Zelda: You're going _down_, fat man!

DeadeyeDave: Hey! Save it for the fight!

Link: Any info about the fighters before they pound the living daylights out of each other's robots?

ChaosWEAPON: Hey! I'm supposed to ask that!

DeadeyeDave: These two contestants have a bitter rivalry over who is the real "Light Sage." 

Link: When did that happen?

DeadeyeDave: I don't really know. I'm the first to have said it out loud.

ChaosWEAPON: What do they have to say about it?

DeadeyeDave: We had TempleMaster14 ask them for us.

Link: Hey! Why did TempleMaster14 get to interview them?

ChaosWEAPON: Because, TempleMaster sent in an idea for your punishment.

Link: Why are you rewarding them for making me suffer?

ChaosWEAPON: Because I felt like it. And to thank them for sending in ideas.

Link: Grrrr…

TempleMaster14: So, Rauru, why do you feel that you are best suited to the title Sage of Light?

Rauru: Because I'm the original Sage of Light! I held this job for hundreds of years before that disrespectful Zelda ever showed up!

TempleMaster14: Hundreds of years? How could you possibly…

Rauru: And another thing! She's always saying that I'm fat and old, when I am obviously not!

TempleMaster14: Er…Well, you _are_ hundreds of years old, and you _do_ have a large, um, girth.

Rauru: Be quiet, you! I have aged very well, and I am not fat.

TempleMaster14: ………Yes, you are.

Rauru: like Cartman from Southpark I'm not fat, I'm big boned! My mummy told me so.

TempleMaster14: Riiiight…Well, look at the time! I have to interview Zelda! Gotta go!

later

TempleMaster14: So, Zelda, tell me why you are the true Sage of Light.

Zelda: Isn't it obvious? I use light magic, I have light hair, and he's too old anyway. Plus, he is definitely not Light.

TempleMaster14: How so?

Zelda: He weighs, what, 600 pounds? He isn't Lite at all!

TempleMaster14: Um, ok. Back to you, DeadeyeDave.

at the arena

DeadeyeDave: Now, I want you to pummel each other's bots into oblivion. Got it?

Zelda + Rauru: Right.

DeadeyeDave: Almost forgot. Rauru's bot, LightSage, (LS1) is a very, very fat ahem I mean large bot in the wedge design. Zelda's bot, also called LightSage, (LS2) is a smaller bot armed with a spinning blade. like Mills Lane Now let's get it on!

in the arena

Rauru: Young punk…revs up LS1

Zelda: Old fart…revs up LS2

Rauru: I'm going to teach you to respect your elders!

Zelda: AAARRRRGGGG! DIE!

both bot charge towards one another

Zelda: Take this, Count Blobula! LS2 swipes razor blade into LS1

Rauru: Big mistake! Hah!

Zelda: Oh no! My blade is lodged in the fatty folds of scrap metal! indeed, it was so

Rauru: This'll teach you…slams LS2 into spike strip several times before pushing it under the pulverizers

Zelda: AIIIIIEEEEEGGGGHHHH! NO! I CAN'T LOSE! 

Rauru: I AM THE TRUE SAGE OF LIGHT! I RULE!

DeadeyeDave: RAURU IS THE….huh?

Zelda: Not done yet! Take this! LS2 starts cutting through LS1

Rauru: NO! I've won! You can't have it! RRRRGGGGG!

Zelda: AHAHAHAHAHA! LS2 cuts LS1 in half and puts it over the kill saws

Rauru: NOOO!

DeadeyeDave: I declare Zelda the winner!

Everyone: Yay! 

Rauru: Nooooo…sobbing

Zelda: like a ditzy supermodel Ok, like, I want to than all of you so very much for choosing _me_ to win this award, and..um..like, thank you _so much_! giggle

Impa: She's lost it. I always knew she would.

Link: No, she's just cliched from shock. Let's get her out of here.

Nabooru: Where should we put her?

Impa: The icebox?

ChaosWEAPON: DeadeyeDave and TempleMaster14 are taking care of it.

Zelda: Hehehehehehehe! I won! I won! Deadeye and TempleMaster (the Men in White) wheel her away to a nice, quiet room…

Ganon: I guess that does it for this chapter…

ChaosWEAPON: Not quite yet.

Saria: What's left?

ChaosWEAPON: You know how I said that Mido will get what's coming to him?

Link: Yes!

Mido: No…!

ChaosWEAPON: Well, I meant it!

Link: YES!

Mido: NO!

ChaosWEAPON: GYAHAHAHAHAHAH! Deadeye, roll the tape!

a tape of film rolls by

ChaosWEAPON: …Thanks, Deadeye! Ok…Navi! Play the tape!

Far off vaguely familiar fairy voice: Which one?

ChaosWEAPON: Any one!

FOVFFV: Ok! Here goes!

Everyone: Who's it gonna be?

ChaosWEAPON: No clue!

Everyone: cringes Eeep!

****

The Tape

Zelda is in the castle kitchen early in the morning

Zelda: It's Impa's birthday today, so I'm going to make her a cake! Hmmm, this recipe says ¾ cup shortening. I can't find that, so I'll just use butter. takes it out 

Zelda: Now, I need 1 ½ cups sugar. I think Impa likes sweets, so I think I'll use 4 cups, that should be enough. gets a load of sugar 

Zelda: Let's see…1 ½ teaspoons vanilla. Teaspoons are the big ones, right? takes out the Tablespoons 

Zelda: And now, 2 ¼ cups sifted flour. Here it is. takes out the salt Now, I need 3 teaspoons baking powder. That's easy! takes out the baking soda

Zelda: Hmm…1 teaspoon salt…takes out the flour Now I need milk, 1 cup…takes out Milk of Magnesia There! And now 5 "stiff beaten egg whites." I thought the whole egg was white. Oh well. gets 5 whole unbeaten eggs

Zelda: Now I just mix 'em together…dumps everything in a big bowl and stirs Good enough! Now I bake it…"Bake in 2 paper lined 9x1 ½ inch round pans…" pours everything in one big, non-papered rectangle pan

Zelda: "…And bake at 375* for 18-20 minutes…" That's too long! sets oven to 500* I'll just leave it in there until it's done…Hey! Teletubbies are on! leaves

****

End of Tape

Everyone but Impa and Zelda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zelda: And you didn't even try it! I worked on that cake very hard!

Impa: shudder I remember that…I was cleaning the oven all the next week.

ChaosWEAPON: Hahahehehehe…And I thought _I_ couldn't cook…Oh! Time to end the chapter!

Link: Right. 

ChaosWEAPON: ahem Uh…I can't think of anything to say…Oh, right! Keep sending ideas for Link's Public Humiliating Punishment. I can't think of anything else, so…Bybyies! Hah! I think I found my catch phrase!

Link: Right. Whatever. 

ChaosWEAPON: Quiet, you! Bybyies!


	7. Battlebots part something-or-other!

Author's Notes: Ok, I really had no intention of stretching Battlebots out this long

Author's Notes: Ok, I really had no intention of stretching Battlebots out this long. Fortunately, we are over halfway there! I'm still deciding Link's punishment, and trying to think up ways to mortally embarrass the characters (heh heh). Oh, and I'm sorry, I couldn't resist the Monty Python quote.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Probably. I also don't own Coffee House U.S.A. or Frappachino. Or Monty Python.

Chapter 7: Battlebots part something-or-other!

__

We find our characters in the, um, somewhere in the castle...

ChaosWEAPON: drinking something MMMMMMmmmmmm.....! _CAPPACHINO!_

Link: Huh?

Zelda: You drink cappachino?

ChaosWEAPON: MMMMmmmmm....cross-eyed in bliss

Impa: I don't think that's cappachino...isn't coffee supposed to be hot?

Nabooru: Yeah...unless that's a Frappachino.

Mido: What the heck is a Frappachino?

Nabooru: It's like cold coffee. 

Saria: Eeew! _Cold_ coffee?

Darunia: You don't even know what cold coffee tastes like! 

Saria: Oh. Right.

Ruto: Is it just me...

Link: Probably.

Ruto ...or does Chaos seem...out of it?

Impa: Now that you mention it...

ChaosWEAPON: HHMMMmmmmm....

Ganon: Let me try some of that...

Everyone else: NO! DON'T!

Ganon: Too late. takes a drink

Everyone: cringes

Ganon: ..._Woah_...sits down, staring at nothing

Rauru: What did it do to him?

Saria: I don't know...

Ganon: sounding not quite sane or in his right mind at all Hey, does that fire look green to you? Heh heh...

Link: Dude! What was _in_ that coffee?!

ChaosWEAPON and Ganon: who are wearing identical expressions off cross-eyed bliss and not looking at all sane or in their right minds MMMMmmm...

Impa: I had no idea you could get that way from caffeine.

Zelda: Hey, look! 

Link: AAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGG! clutches head

Zelda: Um...he's waking up.

Ganon: Huh...what? What the heck happened...?

Nabooru: You were high on caffeine.

Zelda: Hey! 

Link: AAHHHHGGG!

Zelda: ...Um...This is PG, isn't it? Can you say "high" if it's PG?

Ganon: Really? 

Impa: Yep.

Rauru: Why did he wake up and not Chaos?

Ganon: Smaller dose...man, that stuff is freakish!

Darunia: Hey!

Link: AAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGG!

Darunia: I was going to ask about the whole battlebots thing, but instead I'll ask _what is your problem?!_

Saria: I think I have an idea...whispers to Ruto

Ruto: Hehe! Ok! deep breath HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!

Link: AAAIIIIIIEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGG! falls to the ground, curls in a ball, and twitches, looking not at all right

Ganon: WOAH!

ChaosWEAPON: coming to Heeeeyyy...? Hey! I thought I heard someone making Link miserable, and it wasn't me!

Rauru: singing It wasn't me! 

Nabooru: AAAAHHHH! NO! NOT THE SONG! takes out sword, and begins walking towards Rauru

Rauru: It wasn't…um…ah…me…AAAAHHHH! runs off w/ Nabooru chasing him

ChaosWEAPON: So I was out of it from caffeine, huh?

Impa: Uh huh.

ChaosWEAPON: looking at Rauru and Nabooru, then at Link on the floor, then back up at the script What have you been _doing_ this whole time?

Impa: Pretty much making it up as we went.

ChaosWEAPON: I believe this fic has taken a turn for the worse…

Zelda: No…

ChaosWEAPON: I have no choice. I have to do it.

Impa: NO!

ChaosWEAPON: I'm going to change the rating.

Nearly everyone: NO! WE'LL BE GOOD! PROMISE!

ChaosWEAPON: Nope. This fic is now PG-13.

Darunia: Gee, nothing seems different.

Impa: Yeah…

ChaosWEAPON: Well, that's all for today, people! Please remember to send in ideas for Link's punishment…

Rauru: Um, Chaos?

ChaosWEAPON: Not now, Rauru. 

Rauru: Chaos…

ChaosWEAPON: What?

Darunia: You haven't done the chapter yet.

ChaosWEAPON: Huh?

Zelda: The battle for today. You know _the whole point of the chapter_?

ChaosWEAPON: Oh. That. We should get that done, huh?

Ganon: That would be best. 

ChaosWEAPON: Alright, pick Link up, and let's get gone…you know, ChaosWEAPON is too long to type…

Link: getting up We've noticed.

ChaosWEAPON: I should shorten it. 

Darunia: To what?

Zelda: CW? Or Chaos?

ChaosWEAPON: I'll think about it. Meanwhile, we have a tournament to do! narrating _And so, the characters were transported to the ringside, where DeadeyeDave was already waiting…_

DeadeyeDave: 'Bout time!

ChaosWEAPON: Sorry.

Ganon: Chaos was a bit overloaded on coffee.

DeadeyeDave: Heh heh heh.

ChaosWEAPON: Grrr…Who's up today, Deadeye?

DeadeyeDave: You and Impa.

ChaosWEAPON and Impa: WHAT?!

DeadeyeDave: You and Impa. Get to the ring, you little buggers.

Impa: Huh? I don't want to fight the author!

DeadeyeDave: I'll say it again, deep breath GET TO THE RING! cracks whip

Link: You just love that whip, don't you?

DeadeyeDave: Yeah…

in the ring

DeadeyeDave: The opponents have no rivalry whatsoever, so there is no need for an interview. That, and the reporter cancelled out. 

Rauru: Probably saw Ruto…

Ruto: That's not nice!

Link: Yeah! I'm the one who's supposed to make fun of Ruto!

Ruto: gasp You…you…

Link: Hmpf. That's right.

Ruto: …YOU STOOD UP FOR ME! OH, LINK I LOVE YOU! tries to kiss Link

Link: AAAAAAAIIIIIIGGGGGGHHH!

Nabooru: Heh.

DeadeyeDave: Heh heh…Anyway, Impa's bot, ShadowMaster, is a strange bot with lowering spikes like those found in the Shadow Temple. ChaosWEAPON's bot, ChaosWEAPON, is, um…I really can't describe it.

ChaosWEAPON: Why not? looks at bot. It is shaped like a confused mass of blades, spikes, wheels, and just about anything else that could be built into a bot I think I see your point.

DeadeyeDave: like Mills Lane Now let's get it on!

Impa: Am I supposed to be taunting? Should I insult the author…?

ChaosWEAPON: Well, do _something_! 

Impa: Oh, ok…how about this…Surrender, naughty fiend of discord! For I am the Mistress of the Shadows! As surely as the sun sets, as the waters of the rivers and the stream journey ever onward towards the ocean, I shall smite thee into tiny bits…

Link: at same time And Saint Antiark raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "Oh Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies into tiny bits…"

DeadeyeDave: Riiiiiight…I declare ChaosWEAPON the winner!

Impa: What?!

DeadeyeDave: While you were going on about streams and shadows, ChaosWEAPON somehow rolled over to ShadowMaster, and with whatever weapons it has, cut ShadowMaster into tiny bits. Sorry. 

Impa: AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!

ChaosWEAPON: Whoo hoo! You should pay more attention, Impa. 

Impa: Grrrrr…

ChaosWEAPON: And now I get to end the fic. 

Ganon: Aren't you going to drag out some embarrassing footage or other?

ChaosWEAPON: I would, but I lost my key to the vault. Navi has the other spare key. I would have her unlock it, but she's on vacation.

Ganon: Oh. Ok, then, End the chapter. 

ChaosWEAPON: Gladly. Hmm, really nothing to say…ah, well. Bybyies!


	8. Division 2 Semifinals!

Author's Notes: Ok, I'm going to try to finish this mini-series so I can move on to better ideas

Author's Notes: Ok, I'm going to try to finish this mini-series so I can move on to better ideas. I took the Chi-Blaster thing from DeadeyeDave's fic: it was too good not to use. Sorry, Deadeye! Please forgive me!

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, Battlebots, or anything else that shows up here!

Chapter 8: Division 2 Semifinals!

__

Everyone is sitting around in some room of the castle…

Impa: Hey, where's Chaos?

Nabooru: And Zelda?

__

Ok, **almost** everyone is sitting around in some room of the castle…

Darunia: And who keeps narrating that?

DeadeyeDave: I have no idea…

__

None of your business, anyway.

Link: Deadeye! What are you doing here?

DeadeyeDave: Heck if I know. Chaos was no where to be seen, so I started to wander around a bit. Have you any idea how many random, unnamed rooms there are in this place?!

Link: A lot. 

DeadeyeDave: Figures.

meanwhile, Ruto is sneaking up on Link…

Ruto: lunging at Link KEEYAAH! LinkieLinkieLinkieLinkieLinkie!

Link: AAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHH! Someone get her off of me! no one moves to help

Nabooru: You're on your own, kid.

Link: Deadeye?!

DeadeyeDave: Nope. Sorry.

Link: Grr…Chaos?

there is silence

Link: Uh, ok…Mystery Narrator! Help me!

__

Ok.

suddenly, Link is handcuffed to the wall

Ruto: YAY! Thankies, Mystery Narrator! Kiss me, Link! This is PG-13 now; you don't have to hide your feelings!

Link: AAAAAIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHH!

__

Heh heh heh…

ChaosWEAPON: WHAT THE DICKENS IS GOING ON HERE?!

__

Uh oh…

ChaosWEAPON: And who are you? Get out of my fic!

__

You can not get rid of me! Hahahaha!

ChaosWEAPON: Get out of my fic! Now!

__

Never! 

ChaosWEAPON: AAAIIIGGGHHH! GET OUT OF MY FIC! GET OUT! NOW! 

Everyone: looking at Chaos freak O.o

Ruto is still trying to kiss Link, who is screaming for mercy

__

Hahaha! Just try to make me leave, I dare ya!

Ganon: Fire in the hole!

ChaosWEAPON: RRRAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! starts blasting Chi everywhere 

Rauru: WOAH!

Zelda: coming up a staircase What's all the noise…? AAAHHHH! ducks just before a blast of Chi hits her 

Ganon: Drat! Missed!

Impa: Watch it, Power-Boy!

__

Heh heh heh!

Chi is still blasting everywhere

Nearly everyone: CHAOS, STOP!

ChaosWEAPON: NO! NOT UNTIL THAT MYSTERY NARRATOR GETS OUT OF MY FIC!

__

Hahahahaha! As much as I would like to see you keep wasting your Chi, I'm going to leave…for now…hahahaha!

the chains holding Link disappear and he runs far away from Ruto

ChaosWEAPON: standing in middle of the blasted room, panting Haha…hahaha…heh heh heh…heh. passes out

Darunia: Um, ok. Link; get off my back, for crying out loud!

Link: getting off Darunia's back But I need to stay away from Ruto!

Nabooru: That was certainly…odd.

Saria: Mido, stop hiding behind me! Huh, wussy.

Mido: fear-choked voice I am not a wussy!

Zelda: Isn't anyone going to help Chaos?

Rauru: I don't see you volunteering!

DeadeyeDave: Of course not! They have a match today! Oh well. Come on, Chaos. lightly slaps Chaos's cheeks. No response

Impa: Let me try…

Nabooru: Don't let her! She's still upset over yesterday's match! Oops, too late.

Impa: Hey, WAKE UP! slaps Chaos. Hard WAKEY WAKEY!

ChaosWEAPON: OW! What was that for?!

Impa: innocently Why, to wake you up, of course!

ChaosWEAPON: Grrrr…

DeadeyeDave: Save the fight for after the match, ok?

ChaosWEAPON: Deadeye! What are you doing here?

DeadeyeDave: Heck if I know. You were no where to be seen, so I started to wander around a bit. Have you any idea how many random, unnamed rooms there are in this place?!

Link: Didn't you already say that?

DeadeyeDave: Does it matter?

Link: It matters to me!

DeadeyeDave: Too bad, then.

ChaosWEAPON: still has a hand print on cheek Whoo, I'm ok now…except for Impa slapping me!

Impa: I told you, it was to wake you up! chuckles How long do you think that mark is going to stay there?

ChaosWEAPON: Not long. narrating _The red mark on ChaosWEAPON's cheek was magically moved to Impa's cheek, along with the pain it caused._

Impa: now with hand print on cheek OW!

ChaosWEAPON: Hmm, pain…that reminds me…

Ganon: Of what?

ChaosWEAPON: Link's punishment for calling me a "dumb bunny."

Link: Drat. You're still intent on punishing me for that?

Ganon: Hahah.

ChaosWEAPON: No, actually.

Ganon: WHAT?!

Link: WHOO HOO!

ChaosWEAPON: People stopped sending in suggestions…

Link: YEAH! THANK YOU READERS!

ChaosWEAPON: So I'm just going to torture you at random intervals.

Link: Huh?

Ganon: Heh heh heh.

Zelda: Speaking of torture, what did that mystery narrator have against Link?

Darunia: And why did s/he want Link to be with Ruto?

Ruto: What's wrong with me? S/he just realized that Link and I are destined to be together! gets a dreamy look in her eyes

Link: under his breath Ickies.

DeadeyeDave: Can we discuss this at a later time, folks? We _do_ have a match to do, you know.

Zelda: Oh, right, that. Should we do it now?

DeadeyeDave: Yes.

ChaosWEAPON: Ok, ok. narrating _The authors and the characters were teleported to the ringside…_

at the ring 

DeadeyeDave: Alright! Our contenders this evening-

Link: It's not quite evening, yet. It's about 4:21, you see and evening doesn't begin until 6:00, so-

DeadeyeDave: snaps whip around Link's neck Are Zelda and ChaosWEAPON. Zelda's bot, LightSage, is a small bot with a spinning blade.

Link is being suffocated by the whip. No one helps him

DeadeyeDave: ChaosWEAPON's bot, ChaosWEAPON, is a mass of weapons, wheels, and random junk.

Link passes out. Whip recoils back to DeadeyeDave

DeadeyeDave: Mills Lane style Now let's get it on!

in the ring

Zelda: Alright, Chaos! Here is where you lose! Bring it on!

ChaosWEAPON: Just try it, _Princess_. Hah! Princess of- oh no! My bot!

Zelda: What? 

ChaosWEAPON: It won't respond!

Zelda: Easy victory then. I'll just tear it to bits where it stands! 

LS wheels over to CW and starts up spinning blade. Blade starts to tear into CW

ChaosWEAPON: NOO!

Zelda: HOO HAH!

Darunia: What the-?

Malon: What is it doing?

CW somehow drags LS into interior. Crunching and something suspiciously like chewing noises are heard

Everyone: O.o

CW spits out remains of LS and a sound like a belch is heard

Malon: Chaos, _what did you build_?!

ChaosWEAPON: Dude!

Zelda: AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

DeadeyeDave: ……ChaosWEAPON wins the match!

ChaosWEAPON: WHOO HOO! TAKE _THAT_!

Zelda: AAAARRRRGGGHHH! Link, destroy her!

Link: ……still passed out

ChaosWEAPON: Zelda, you annoy me.

Zelda: oblivious to the "Irate Author" alert above her head Hah! What are you going to do about it, huh?

ChaosWEAPON: I might do this…! narrating _So, Zelda was forced to wear Cristina Aguilera's costume from the Lady Marmalade music video…_

Zelda: AIIIIIIIHHHHGGG! NO! but, it was too late

Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ChaosWEAPON: HAHAHAhahahahehehehehehe…Ok, that's this chapter! And now for the ending thing: ahem WHO is the mysterious narrator? HOW far will we get in the third division next time? WHAT will Zelda do about her "new look"? WHERE do I get my ideas? WHY do I get my ideas? I might answer these questions next time! Bybyies!


	9. Division 3!

Author's notes: Writer's block has creeped up on me again, but mostly in regards to my other fic

Author's notes: Writer's block has creeped up on me again, but mostly in regards to my other fic. So, if I write in here, I should be able to write in the other thing. Also, I like writing this. Hopefully you like reading it. A nice deal, huh? I seem to rambling again…oh well.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Neither is Weird Al. I changed the lyrics a bit to fit the story on one of those. You may recognize a line from a certain computer game in here…

****

Chapter 9: Division 3 

__

Haha! I'm back! And there's nothing you can do about it! Anyway, we find the characters in a random room of the castle…

Zelda: Hey, the mystery narrator is back again.

Mido: Chaos is going to pitch a fit if she finds out.

Saria: Where is she?

__

As usual, the author was nowhere to be seen.

Saria: That still doesn't explain where she is.

Nabooru: She's downstairs.

Malon: What's downstairs?

Zelda: Nothing, really…

Link: Isn't that my line?

Zelda: When did it become "your line"?

Link: Spirit Temple. 

Nabooru: I think I remember that…

Zelda: He said "Nothing, really…" to you in the Spirit Temple?

Nabooru: Well, not really. It was in Z64. He didn't actually _say_ it.

Zelda: Then how could it be your line if you never say anything in the games?

Link: Because…because…leave me alone.

Zelda: Ok.

Saria: Is anyone going to answer my question?

Darunia: Which was…?

Malon: If Chaos is in the basement, what is she down there for?

Saria: Exactly.

Impa: Why didn't you just say so? She's feeding her bot.

Ganon: _Feeding_ it?

Impa: Yep. Apparently it was still hungry even after eating Zelda's bot.

Ganon: That was cool!

Zelda: That was not cool!

Ganon: Was!

Zelda: Wasn't!

Ganon: Was!

Zelda: Was not! Infinity!

Ganon: Was…was…GRRR! Curse you and your diabolical debate skills!

Zelda: Heh.

Ganon: I'll get you for this.

Zelda: sticking out tongue Nyeh!

Ganon: grabs tongue HaHA!

Rauru: laughing What's wrong, Zelda? Pig/goat/lizard got your tongue?

Ganon: Hey!

Zelda: Yeth. May him leh gho mah tung.

Link: Pardon?

Zelda: May him leh gho mah tung!

Link: I can't understand you…

Zelda: May him leh gho mah tung! MAY HIM LEH GHO MAH TUNG!

Link: I'm still not getting you…

Zelda: Fahgehet. Duhm blahnde…

Link: Why do I feel I've been dissed?

Darunia: Maybe because you have? Dumb blonde…

ChaosWEAPON: Hey, everyone! What's going on?

Zelda: garbled

ChaosWEAPON: Huh? Why is Ganon giving your tongue a massage?

Ganon: Eew! lets go of Zelda's tongue Where'd you come up with that?

Zelda: Thanks Chaos. Yuk.

ChaosWEAPON: I just said it so we could get to the point of the chapter.

Darunia: Which would be…?

Malon: The tournament, remember? We have a match today!

Darunia: Who does?

Malon: Us.

Darunia: And who are "Us?"

Malon: YOU and I. 

Darunia: Oh.

Link: Ha! Dumb Goron…

Ruto: sneaking up on Link Heh heh heh…

Link: alarmed I just heard a sinister chuckle! gasp Ruto! runs to other side of room

Ruto: Huh? Drat!

Saria: He's catching on to your plots.

Ruto: Have to get some new ones, then.

Mido: Where's DeadeyeDave?

ChaosWEAPON: Overseeing the magical cleaning elves of Hyrule castle. 

Mido: Oh…ok.

Impa: Since it's the 3rd division, shouldn't we wake up Skullkid?

ChaosWEAPON: Is he still in the icebox?

Impa: Yeah.

Zelda: Why did we put him in there, again?

Impa: He was in the way, so I tranced him to sleep and stuck him in there.

Zelda: Oh.

ChaosWEAPON: Alright, peoples, let's go. narrating _And so, the characters, author, bots, and icebox containing Skullkid were transported down to the ringside…_

ChaosWEAPON: Here we are.

DeadeyeDave: What's an icebox doing here?

Impa: Skullkid is in it.

DeadeyeDave: Why would…? Oh, nevermind!

Impa: walking over to and opening icebox Hey, Skullkid! Wake up! snaps fingers

Skullkid: …HUH? WHAT?

Impa: The 3rd division has started, so get out of that icebox.

Skullkid: WHY AM I IN AN ICEBOX?

ChaosWEAPON: You were annoying, so we tranced you to sleep and put you in there for all of Division 2 and most of Division 1. 

Skullkid: ……WHAT…?

ChaosWEAPON: You were annoying, so we tranced you to sleep and put you in there for all of Division 2 and most of Division 1.

Skullkid: obviously very angry …AAARRRRRGGG! TASTE MY WRATH OF ICE, FOOLISH MORTALS! RRRRRRAAAARRRRRRGGGG!

Everyone: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! NO WRATHS OF ICE!

The ice wrath heads straight for Link, with Ruto hiding behind him

Link: AAAHHHGGG! uses Mirror shield. The ice wrath bounces off…and heads right for the row of bots!

Everyone: NOOOOO!

the ice wrath freezes Darunia's bot, DeathMT, and shatters it into tiny bits

Darunia: AAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGG! NOOO! 

DeadeyeDave: Darunia is no longer a competitor and neither is Skullkid.

Skullkid: WHY NOT!?

DeadeyeDave: Ice wraths are illegal. You are disqualified. 

Skullkid: AAARRRRRGGG! ICE-

DeadeyeDave: You do and we feed you to Chaos's bot.

Skullkid: FEED ME TO A BOT?

ChaosWEAPON: Yep. It's a hungry lil' feller!

Ruto: Link…you saved me! You care! Oh, Link I love you! hugs him

Link: Gack! Chaos, why do you keep making me save her?!

ChaosWEAPON: Because I'm a Link/Ruto 'shipper.

Link: "'Shipper?" What does that…oh. Oh _no_.

ChaosWEAPON: Sorry.

Link: Sorry isn't enough!

Ganon: As much as I enjoy Link's suffering, can we do the match now?

Darunia: But my bot was destroyed! 

Nabooru: And my matchup was disqualified!

DeadeyeDave: No problems. We just treat it as if Darunia lost to Malon and Skullkid lost to Nabooru. So the next match is…Malon vs. Nabooru!

Malon: Oh, ok then.

DeadeyeDave: Alright then. Malon's bot, LonLonDestructathon, is a wedge type bot with an articulated lifting arm. Nabooru's bot, Colossus, is a spinning bot with small maces attached. you guessed it: like Mills Lane Now lets get it on!

in the ring

Malon: Feel the power of LonLon, sister! 

Nabooru: I ain't your sister, and your pathetic "LonLon" is no match for the Colossus!

the two bots smash into one another

Malon: Then let's see your Colossus stand up to _this_! begins singing 

Nabooru: NOO!

Malon: "Like a Surgeon"

****

I finally made it through Med-School

Somehow I made it through

I'm just an intern I still make a mistake or two

I was last in my class

Barely passed at the institute, now I'm tryin' to avoid

Yeah I'm tryin' to avoid

A malpractice sue!

Hey!

Like a surgeon, cuttin' for the very first time!

Like a surgeon, organ transplants are my line

Better give me all your gauze nurse

This patient is fading fast…

Everyone Else: NO SINGING! DeadeyeDave cracks whip

Nabooru: Ahhhhh…. you think you're so tough! Try _this_!

Everyone: AAAHHHH! NO SINGING!

Nabooru: "Dare to be Stupid"

****

Put down that chainsaw and listen to me!

It's time for us to join in the fight!

It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys

It's time to let the bedbugs bite!

You'd better put all your eggs in one basket

You'd better count your chickens before they hatch!

You'd better sell some wine before its time

You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch!

You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can when Mr. Whiffle's not around

Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan!

Talk with your mouth full!

Bite the hand that feeds you!

Bite off more than you can chew

What can you do?

Dare to be stupid!

Malon: Rrrraaaaahhhhhhggggg...the Voice is strong with this one...but you are no match for me!

Everyone: SSSSTTTTOOOOPPPP!!!!

Malon: "Smells Like Nirvana"

****

What is this song all about?

Can't figure any lyrics out

How do the words to it go?

I wish you'd tell me, I don't know

Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no

Don't know, don't know, don't know...

Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin'

And I don't know what I'm singin'

Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'

I still don't know what I'm singin'...

ChaosWEAPON: When did this become Song Wars?!

Nabooru: Grrr...I shall prevail! Take this, vile...singer-person!

Everyone: AAAAHHHHHH!!!! NO MORE!

Nabooru: Trigger Happy 

****

Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right

Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night

There's no feeling any greater

Nabooru secretly takes out a Gurudo-O-Matic Plasma Rifle

****

Then to shoot first and ask questions later

fires at LonLonDestructathon

****

Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy everyday

DeadeyeDave tries to take Nabooru's weapon away

****

Well you can't take my guns away, I got a constitutional right

Yeah, I gotta be ready if Ganon attacks us tonight

I'll blow his brains out with my Smith and Wesson

aims at Ganon

****

That ought to teach him a darn good lesson

Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy everyday

DeadeyeDave takes her gun away while she tries to reload it

Ganon: ...passed out from fear. His face is a stranger shade of green than normal

DeadeyeDave: looks at smoldering wreck of LonLonDestructathon Nabooru is the winner and Division 3 champion!

Nabooru: OOHHHHHH YEEEAAAAAHHHH!

Malon: What?!

Skullkid: YOU AREN'T GOING TO DISQUALIFY HER?!

DeadeyeDave: Nope.

Saria: Why not?

DeadeyeDave: I would, but then there wouldn't be anyone left in Division 3.

Zelda: Ah. 

DeadeyeDave: I am, however, going to lock you in a room full of Ganon's dirty laundry as punishment for singing.

Nabooru: What?! AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEHHHHH!

Link: HAHAHA!

Nabooru: You dare laugh at Nabooru?

Link: With great mirth.

Nabooru: Get over here you little-

Link: AAIIEEGGGHH! runs away w/ Nabooru close behind, who is holding a pair of pliers, a roll of duct tape, a rusty spoon, a container of what looked like peanut butter, and a duck. Don't ask.

DeadeyeDave: Division 3 is over. You should probably end this chapter before it gets any weirder.

ChaosWEAPON: looking in direction of Link and Nabooru, where screams of mercy can be heard I agree. That's all for this chapter, then. Bybyies!


	10. Battlebots Finale!

Author's Notes: Ok, it's around 12:30 at night and I should be in bed

Author's Notes: Ok, it's around 12:30 at night and I should be in bed. Why? Because I have to get up very early to go jogging, then I must take a test of my worth as a human being. Also known as the Drivers' Test. Yes, I am 15 and have not taken the test to get my permit. No, I have not studied the book. Yes, there is a 99.9% certainty that I will fail miserably and my friends and older brother will revel in my torment for weeks. So here I am, writing this and snacking on pickles (yum) and chocolate covered raisins (double yum), wondering what my parents would say if they were to catch me drinking soda at this time of night, when I have to take a test to prove my worth as a human being (Drivers' Test) early tomorrow morning. Hmm…I want caffeine…but I also want at least 2 hours of sleep tonight…caffeine is our friend… Muwahahahahahawheehehehehehehehohohohohohehehehehehahahahahaha… sorry. I'm a bit hyper…mwehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Ok, I'll stop.

Disclaimer: (sigh) Not mine, wish it was, blah blah blah…

****

Chapter 10: Battlebots Finale! (At long last!)

__

The characters, sans author, are sitting in a random room of the castle…

Darunia: You back again?

__

Yep.

Mido: When do we find out who you are?

__

I'm not telling you_!_

Mido: Humph. Touchy.

Skullkid: WHOM ARE YOU TALKING TO?

Rauru: The mystery narrator. 

Skullkid: WHO?

Rauru: looking philosophical We are not meant to know who or what the mystery narrator is named, the mystery narrator simply _is_.

__

Nice speech.

Rauru: Thank you.

__

Windbag.

Rauru: Hey!

Link: Isn't the final match coming up?

Saria: I think so.

Nabooru: When does it start?

Zelda: When does it ever start? When Chaos says so. 

Nabooru: True.

Link: Where is she, again?

Impa: With DeadeyeDave, setting up the arena.

Skullkid: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PUT ME IN AN ICEBOX.

Ruto: Neither can we.

Skullkid: YOU KNOW I MUST EXACT MY REVENGE UPON YOU FOOLISH MORTALS…

Link: "Foolish mortals"? He gets weirder every day…

Skullkid: STARTING WITH YOU!

Link: Um…

Impa: Skullkid?

Skullkid: YES, FOOLISH WOMAN?

Impa: Sleep now. does that Jedi-trance thing

Skullkid: ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz…

Ganon: Let's put him back in the icebox.

Link: Sounds good to me.

they drag him off

__

You know, sooner or later people are going to realize that the icebox and similar ploys are used by the author to remove some of the characters because she can never remember all of you.

Zelda: gasp Is this true?!

ChaosWEAPON: Is what true?

Zelda: That the icebox and similar ploys are used by the author to remove some of the characters because you can never remember all of us?!

ChaosWEAPON: Who told you that?!

__

I did.

ChaosWEAPON: You again?

__

Yep.

ChaosWEAPON: I have no time to deal with you now. Begone!

__

Fine. But you'll see me again…

ChaosWEAPON: just try to guess the movie This house is clean.

Link: Huh?

ChaosWEAPON: Nevermind. We have a tournament to finish!

Everyone: Yay!

at the arena

DeadeyeDave: Game Characters, fellow author, behold: The "Ridiculously Lengthily Named Gigantic Super Terrific Achievement Award Commemorating The Victory Of The Randomness Battlebots Tournament" Trophy! whisks aside large cloth

Everyone: looking at large, golden trophy Ooooooooooh!

Zelda: It really bites that I didn't get to be in the final round…but at least I win that date with Link!

Link: What?!

Malon: What do you mean _you_ win Link? I get him!

Link: Huh?!

Ruto: Back off, sisters! He's _my_ hunk of male perfection!

Link: Uh…backing away

Zelda: He's mine!

Malon: No, he's mine!

Ruto: You're both wrong! He's mine!

All three: DIE! they get into a MAJOR fight 

Ganon: Cool. 

Rauru: Link, aren't you going to stop them?

Link: Hah! I'm not _that_ dumb! You can if you want.

Rauru: Um, no.

ChaosWEAPON: looking at cartoon-style cloud of dust, clay-like fingernails and hisses Hmm…shrugs Ah, well. Let 'em fight. We have a fight of our own to do!

Nabooru and Link: Right!

in the ring

DeadeyeDave: to audience Ladies and gentlemen, today is a turning point. This is the final, epic battle of the bots! The champions of the three divisions, Link, ChaosWEAPON and Nabooru, respectively, are going to wage all-out war with each other over the Trophy and title as Champion Random Battlebots Contender! It will also be my last time here as referee. I will really miss being here-Hey! Wake up! cracks whip

Everyone in sleeping audience AAIIIGGGHHH! 

DeadeyeDave: Better. Mills Lane style Now let's get it on! cracks whip again for good luck

in the ring, where the 3 bots are placed an equal distance from the gigantic trophy in the middle 

ChaosWEAPON: May the best bot win! to bot Go, ChaosWEAPON!

the bot, possessed of a life of its own, gets up and starts across the floor

Link: All right, TimeFiend! Don't fail me now! starts up TimeFiend

Nabooru: Go, Colossus! Show them what a true bot is made of! starts up Colossus

the three bots rampage towards each other, when suddenly-

Link: Hey, what's that?

Nabooru: What's what?

ChaosWEAPON: Hey, what _is_ that?

a portal opens above the arena, and out comes-

Link: It-it _can't_ be!

Yes! It is Misty Dawn! Carried along by a rampaging pack of rabid, time-travelling squirrels, she grabs the trophy, strikes a pose, and says-

Misty Dawn: YEEEEEEEHHAAAAAAAAA!! LONG LIVE RANDOMNESS!! MAY THE SPORKS BE WITH YOU!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

the rampaging pack of rabid, time-travelling squirrels leaves through another portal, taking Misty Dawn with them, destroying the bots on the way out

Everyone: ………

DeadeyeDave: stunned Um, ok. Misty Dawn is the winner!

ChaosWEAPON: Woah. 

Link: Dude!

Nabooru: "May the sporks be with you?"

Darunia: So nobody won?

Mido: I guess Misty D. did.

Saria: But she wasn't a contender!

Rauru: Does that matter?

Impa: Probably not.

Ganon: What is it with Chaos and squirrels?

ChaosWEAPON: You're off the point, Ganon.

Nabooru: If there is a point to this.

Darunia: Which I doubt.

meanwhile, Zelda, Malon, and Ruto are still fighting, not that anyone cares

Rauru: Think we should end this before it gets any stranger?

Link: Is that possible?

Mido: Probably not.

ChaosWEAPON: Huh. Well, there you have it. The Battlebots mini-series has ended, and with a certain random style, I might add. Please let me know what you thought of the whole mess, and goodnight. Bybyies!


	11. Psychoanalysis!

Author's Notes: Been a while

Author's Notes: Been a while. Now that the whole Battlebots mess is done, I can move on to better things. Well, I can move on, anyway. 

Disclaimer: I am getting all of these tests from the same site, (http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/funstuffmenu.cgi?target=Personality+Tests) and I don't own Zelda, no matter how many letters I send to Nintendo.

Chapter 11: Psychoanalysis!

__

We find our heroes, thought the term is used quite loosely, I assure you, in a random room of the castle…

ChaosWEAPON: You aren't going to leave, are you?

__

Nope.

Link: reading over the Battlebots tournament Chaos, this is messed up.

ChaosWEAPON: who will now be referred to as Chaos What? Is the format wrong?

Link: No, it's just plain _strange_.

Chaos: Oh, well, what's wrong with that?

Link: I just thought it needed to be said.

Zelda: Where is everybody? 

Ganon: They all left a note. 

Link: Then where are the notes?

Ganon: Right here. turns around; the notes are stuck to his head via small magnets

Zelda: How are they stuck to your head?

Link: _Why_ are they stuck to your head?

Chaos: Can you teach me to do that?

Ganon: Um, no. I have this plate in my head, see…

Zelda: Is that where the dinner plates have gone?

Link: A metal plate, ditz. When did you get that?

Ganon: When you clubbed me upside the head last winter!

Link: Oh, yeah. I remember that.

Chaos: So what do the notes say?

Ganon: Let's see…

****

Rauru-I'm going to eat a cheesecake and take a nap!

Mido-I'll be around doing…stuff…don't come looking for me!

at that moment, in a random closet of a random room

Mido: tinkering with the Dream Recorder Thingamabob Red wire, blue wire…red wire, blue wire…

****

Darunia-I went shopping for some Breathe Right Nasal Strips.

Ruto-I'll be on FF.N reading fanficts about Linkie-poo!

Link: shudder You know what that means…she tortures me with thoughts of the stuff she reads!

Chaos: Speaking of torture…

Link: Oh, no.

Chaos: It seems people still want me to punish you. And a few sent in ideas!

Link: sarcastically Wonderful…

Chaos: I know, isn't it? Anyway, Shadow Gamer wanted to make me make you marry Ruto…

Link: NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!

Chaos: …and Video Gamer Z told me about this list of ways to kill you guys! 

Link: Does it involve Ruto?

Chaos: A few of them.

Ganon: Can we continue with the notes?

****

Saria-I'm going to learn to be a Goth!

Impa-I'm going to teach Saria to be a Goth.

Nabooru-I'm going to watch Impa teach Saria to be a Goth and laugh at them.

Zelda: What about Skullkid?

Chaos: Still in the icebox, I think…

at that moment, in Puerto Rico

Skullkid: HMMM…WHERE'S ONE OF THOSE "YOU ARE HERE" SIGNS WHEN YOU NEED THEM…?

back in the castle

Link: So, what should we do?

Chaos: I have an idea!

Zelda: Does it involve a tournament?

Link: Or making me miserable?

Ganon: Or the plate in my head? Because I _know_ you're thinking about it!

Chaos: No, no, and no! Have you ever taken personality tests?

Link: No…

Zelda: No…

Ganon: My psychiatrist says…uh, I mean, no…

Chaos: Then now is your chance! narrating _So, the small group was transported to a computer room other than the one Ruto was in…_

Link: Thank you.

Chaos: Don't mention it.

Zelda: connecting to internet So, where do we go?

Chaos: types something in, hits a few links… Ok, this is it! Who should go first?

Ganon: Link.

Link: Zelda.

Zelda: Ganon.

Chaos: Maybe I should just go first…which one do I take?

Link: That one!

Zelda: "The Animal In You"?

Ganon: Caption says it shows your priorities… 

Chaos: Ok! takes the test

A Japanese Personality Test 

Use this Japanese Personality Test to determine your personality based on your view of animals! 

This is a simple personality test, supposedly developed in ancient Japan. No one here claims to be learned in the social or psychological fields, but it is a fun test. Give it a try, then compare your results with your friends! 

1. You are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals 

To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of your animals. Which one do you drop? 

  * Lion
  * Cow
  * Horse
  * Sheep

  * Monkey

chooses Sheep

2. You have 4 animals left.   
The desert is burning up! It goes on for miles. Sand is everywhere. You realize, to get out, you are going to have drop another animal.   
Which do you drop?

  * Lion
  * Cow
  * Horse
  * Monkey

chooses Monkey

Chaos: I don't like monkeys, I'm sorry.

3. You have 3 animals left.   
Walk, walk, walk. Hot, hot, hot. Disaster! The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up! You have no choice but to drop another animal.

  * Lion
  * Cow
  * Horse

chooses Cow

4. You have 2 animals left.   
Ok, it's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon. Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert with ONE animal.   
Which one do you drop?

  * Lion
  * Horse

chooses Lion

Results

These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes.   
The desert represents a hardship. 

Lion=Pride

Cow=Basic Needs

Horse=Passion

Sheep=Friendship

Monkey=Your Children

Your choices were in this order: 

  1. sheep 
  2. monkey 
  3. cow 
  4. lion 
  5. Horse

Which means your personality traits you value in order of precedence:

  1. Your Passion 
  2. Pride 
  3. Basic Needs 
  4. Children 
  5. Friendship 

Ganon: Cool!

Zelda: You don't like children, do you?

Link: Or your friends, apparently. 

Chaos: Grr…Link, take this one!

Link: Ok. Hmm…Egyptian Calculator…

Ganon: It shows what Egyptian person you would be.

Link: Sounds cool. takes the test

Link: Hmmm…My Birthday? June 15…

results pop up Link: Wow! That was quick!

results

Link=Set

The powerful beast headed god of evil and darkness. As murder of his brother Osiris, he assumed the aspect of villian of the gods and was finally slain by Horus. 

Colors=Turquiose, black

Personality=Perfectionist, prone to anger.

Link: Ummm…

Ganon: HAHAHAHAH! LINK'S EVIL!

Link: SHUT UP!!!

Ganon: mmekly I'll be good.

Link: Hmpf. Ganon, why don't you take that test?

Ganon: "How People See You"?

Zelda: As a vile…

Ganon: Shut up! takes the test

    1. You are most energetic at what time? Late night
    2. Describe your walking stride. Head up, looking at suuroundings
    3. In discussion, how do you stand? Arms folded
    4. How do you relax? Legs stretched out
    5. How do you laugh? With appreciation
    6. What do you do at a party? Big entrance to get attention
    7. How do you handle disruptions? Get irritated
    8. Which color suits you? Black
    9. How do you sleep? Head under covers
    10. Most of your dreams are about: Fighting

Results

Your score: 43 

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing and always interesting; someone who is constantly the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to your head. They see you also as kind, considerate and understanding; someone who will cheer them up and help them out.

Ganon: That doesn't sound like me…

Link: So _now_ who's the goody goody?

Ganon: Grr…Zelda! Your turn! 

Link How about that one?

Chaos: "Candy Test"?

Zelda: I have no idea what it's about, but sure!

takes the test

The Candy Test! 

Here is a cute little test. Origin is unknown, as well as the scientific basis. However, the results are uncanny!

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following, which would you choose?

  * Baby Ruth
  * 3 Musketeers
  * Butterfingers
  * Snickers
  * Hersheys

chooses Baby Ruth

Results

**

Baby Ruth
**     Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

Link, Ganon, and Chaos: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S YOU!

Zelda: Grrr…

Chaos: That was fun. Let's sign off and do something else.

Everyone else: Fine.

Chaos: Did you like this chapter? These are actual tests! You can find them at the URL in the disclaimer. Bybyies!


	12. Link's Punishment!

Author's Notes: This is it, the chapter you've been waiting for

Author's Notes: This is it, the chapter you've been waiting for! I would like to thank all of you who sent in submissions for how to punish Link, and I especially want to thank TempleMaster14: your idea was too evil _not_ to use! Thankies! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, TempleMaster14, or FF8's Eyes on Me, or Dena Carvey's song.

****

Chapter 12: Link's Punishment!

__

In a random room of the castle…

Saria: I don't like the look of that chapter title.

Ganon: I do!

Chaos: So do I. Which is why I put it there.

Link: What are we talking about? 

Nabooru: Look up, genius, heh heh heh…

Link: looks up …oh…no…

Chaos: Oh…yes…

Link: No…

Chaos: Yes…

Link: No…!

Chaos and everyone else: Yes…!

Link: Um, no. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! runs away

Chaos: Oh no, you don't! fires a Chi blast

Link: OW!

Chaos: HAHAHAHA! Time to face the music!

Link: NOOOOOOO! …Wait, what are you going to do to me?

Chaos: You'll find out later. HAHAHA! narrating_ And so, using the Author Powers vested in me…_

3 hilarious days later

__

In a random room of the castle…

Chaos: sighs Well, it's been fun…but it's time to return Link to normal.

Ruto: sitting snuggled up to Link NO! 

Ganon: I think so too. Funny as it is, it's made me sick to my stomach.

Rauru: Me too.

Saria: It's sweet…but too much so.

Darunia: Put Brother Link back in mindset, please.

Nabooru: The kid will suffer enough when he sees the tapes.

Impa: We should wake Skullkid for this…

Zelda: And where's Mido? He'd want to see this…

in a random closet of a random room

Mido: tinkering with Dream Recorder…again… Hmmm…"High Voltage"…what does that mean?

back in the other random room

Impa: I'll go see if I can find Skullkid.

at that moment, in Calcutta

Skullkid: I SUPPOSE I SHOULD TRY TO CALL THE OTHERS…HEY! AN ICE CREAM PARLOR!

back in the random room

Chaos: All right. narrating _The spell was lifted from Link, and he returned to normal…_

Link: …Huh…? What…? sees Ruto in his arms Um….

Ruto: Oh, Link, the past three days have been _wonderful_! sighs happily 

Link: Get out of my personal bubble of space, vile thing!

Ruto: sighs At least I have the memories…

Link: Chaos, what in the name of kiwi fruit did you do to me!?

Chaos: Lots. Navi, roll the tape!

Link: You got it on video!?

Chaos: Of course. How else am I supposed to hold it against you as blackmail for as long as we both may live?

Ganon: Can we watch these tapes whenever we want?

Chaos: Sure! Oh, it's starting! lights dim Rauru, pass the popcorn.

Rauru: cheeks stretched like a squirrel I don no wha oo meen…

Chaos: Nevermind.

tape starts

Chaos: HAHAHAHA! Time to face the music!

Link: NOOOOOOO! …Wait, what are you going to do to me?

Chaos: You'll find out later. HAHAHA! narrating_ And so, using the Author Powers vested in me, I condemn you to 3 days of being hopelessly in love with Ruto!_

Link: gasp …!

Ruto: YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! THANK YOU, CHAOS!

****

Day 1 the sappy, romantic day

Link is talking to Ruto

Link: Hello, Ruto.

Ruto: Hi, Link!

Link: …Ruto, I'm hopelessly in love with you!

Ruto: gasp I'm in love with you too!

Link: Really?!

Ruto: Yes! Kiss me!

Link: Ok! kisses her…on the lips…with TONGUE!

Ruto: Wow…!

Link: Shall we dance?

Ruto: We shall!

they dance to FF8's Eyes on Me

__

Whenever sang my songs

On the stage, on my own

Whenever said my words

Wishing they would be heard

I saw you smiling at me

Was it real or just my fantasy

You'd always be there in the corner

Of this tiny little bar

Ruto: Link…this is a dream come true…

Link: For me too.

__

My last night here for you

Same old songs, just once more

My last night here with you

Maybe yes, maybe no

I kind of like it your way

How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Oh, did you ever know

That I had mine on you

Ruto: Link…will you be there for me?

Link: Always.

__

Darling so there you are

With that look on your face

As if you're never hurt

As if you're never down

Shall I be the one for you

Who pinches you softly but sure

If a frown is shown then

I will know that you are no dreamer…

in the room

Ganon: blows nose That's so…so…sweet! sobs

Impa: comes in, then sits down near Ganon There, there…

back to the tape

****

Night 1 slightly funnier

Ruto comes to her balcony when she hears noises

Ruto: Who's there?

Link: who is throwing small stones at window to attract attention Ah! There she is!

one of the stones hits Ruto

Ruto: Ow!

Link: Oops…ah, well. starts to recite Shakespeare What light from yonder window shines? It is the lamp! And fair Ruto has lit it! Come forth, o lighter of lamps! And let thy light shine upon me!

Ruto: Link? What are you doing?

Link: She speaks! O speak again sleek Zora! Who stands this night over my head, a finned messenger of the water!

Ruto: Is he trying to quote something? That poet what's-his-face? gasp Link is reading me poetry! Hmm…Link, wherefore the heck are ya?

Link: I'm down here, fair Zora. 

Ruto: Well, get your cute butt up here!

Link: Um, ok. tries to climb the vines, but slips and lands on his head Ow…passes out

in the room

Darunia: nearly bursting with laughter That…was…so…gasp pathetic!

back to the tape

****

Day 2 Link + concussion = Funny

Link is lying in a hospital-style bed in the castle infirmary

Link: Ow…

Ganon walks in

Ganon: Still incapacitated, huh?

Link: Ganon…?

Ganon: Yes…?

Link: Why are there three of you?

Ganon: …Just focus on the middle one.

Link: Ok…why were you here, again?

Ganon: I'm the resident doctor. You are at my mercy.

Link: Oh…and what idiot put you in charge?

Ganon: Does it matter? Let's take some x-rays…Grabs Link, stuffs him into the x-ray machine Ok, where's the ON switch? presses it

Ganon: Huh? Nothing x-rayed…Of course! You're supposed to be on the _outside_ of the machine, idiot! takes Link out, x-rays him

Link's x-ray has several strange objects in his chest

Ganon: So _that's_ where my car keys went!

in the room

Ganon: I'd been looking for those for months!

Zelda: Why _were_ Ganon's keys in your chest, anyway?

Link: I lost a bet…

back to the tape

****

Night 2 Doctor Ruto

in the infirmary…again. Link is covered in bandages, thanks to Ganon's impromptu surgery

Ruto: I can't believe Ganon posed as the doctor! Well, no matter, I'm gonna nurse you back to health!

Link: I appreciate that, Ruto.

Ruto: Thank you! Well, the key to recovery is good nutrition! Stay here, I'll go get my special homemade vitamin drink! leaves

Link: sigh It's so sweet that she would do this for me…

in the kitchen

Ruto: Hmmm…vitamin stuffs…

gets a large mixing bowl

I'll just mix healthy stuff together! First, plenty of raw fish!

grinds some up and puts it in the bowl

Ok, let's see…ketchup is good! 

pours a glob into the bowl 

Now, some…chocolate! Yum.

dumps some chocolate chips in the bowl

Ooh! Can't forget the eggplant!

throws some chopped eggplant in the bowl

Hmm…eggs are good…

throws five uncooked still-in-the-shell eggs in the bowl

I think Link like salad…

pours a bag of mixed salad in the bowl

And now some flour…

puts a cup of flour in the bowl

Hmmm…"Peruvian Death-Peppers" sounds yummy!

puts in five whole Peruvian death-peppers

And now mix!

uses eggbeaters to mix, then pours some in a glass

back in the infirmary

Ruto: Ok, Linkie! Drink this down! hands him the glass of sludge

Link: Um…drinks it It's…um…choke, cough great. 

Ruto: See? I told you!

in the room 

Darunia: HAHA! That was gross!

Nabooru: I can't believe you drank it!

Link: Neither can I…

back to the tape

****

Day 3 the love letter

Link is in his room, writing a letter to Ruto

__

Dearest Ruto,

How do I love thee? Hold on while I count the ways…

There are a lot of them. Let's leave it at that.

Shall I describe you, my love? Even though you can't answer because this is a letter, I will take that as a yes.

Your skin, the smooth wet scales of a slimy fish…

Your eyes, orbs that hold the deepest love and greatest ire…

Your other eyes, kind of like the first but not really…

Your fins, which make you glide through the water…

Your lips, soft as old wet hushpuppies…

With love, Link

back in the room

All the girls: AAAAAWWWWWWW!

All the guys: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Link: Grr…shut up, all of you!

back to the tape

****

Night 3 the botched serenade

Ruto is once again at her window, with Link below. This time, however, he has something behind his back…

Ruto: Link! What are you doing down there?

Link: I am here to serenade you with song!

Ruto: Oh…what does serenade mean?

Link: A serenade is "A complimentary performance of music in the open air at night, as by a lover to his lady."

Ruto: Oh. Serenade away, then!

Link: Gladly. takes out a guitar and begins singing

She's cold as ice…uh…er…paradise!

And the feelin'…um…was nice!

There's a lady I know…If I didn't know her…

She'd be the lady…uh…um…I didn't know.

My lady she went downtown…she bought some…broccoli.

She brought it home…she's choppin' broccoli!

Choppin' broccoli! Choppin' broccoli!

continues singing

end of tape

Everyone but Link and Ruto: GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Link: Grrrr…Chaos, you will pay!

Chaos: in between fits of laughter Oh…I think not…

Link: GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Chaos: still laughing Well, peoples…there you have it…the long awaited…Link's Punishment…I hope you enjoyed it…'cause I know we all did! Bybyies!


	13. Link's Secret

Author's Notes: I hope you enjoyed Link's Punishment, and thank you again to everyone who sent in submissions

Author's Notes: I hope you enjoyed Link's Punishment, and thank you again to everyone who sent in submissions!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Miller, Monty Python or anything else that shows up here.

Chapter 13: Link's Secret

__

Once again, we find several people in a random room of the castle…

Darunia: Hey! Who are all those people?

__

Oh, sorry. We find several of our heroes in a random room of the castle…the random people disappear

Darunia: Better.

Saria: Does anyone know what time it is?

Nabooru: Um, it's 7:10. Why?

Saria: It's Miller Time! walks towards the kitchen

Ganon: Hey! You'd better not be trying to drink my beer! Come back here! chases after her

Zelda: Where is everyone, anyway?

Darunia: Let's see…Ganon! Are there any notes stuck to you head?

Ganon: from other room No!

Chaos: That's right, he has a plate in his head doesn't he? Hmmm…

Ganon: coming in from other room Don't even think about it, Chaos! 'Cause I know you are! 

Chaos: How do you know what I'm thinking?

Ganon: mysteriously I can read your thoughts…!

Nabooru: Have you been playing with that paper Mask of Truth you made again?

Ganon: It's real, I tell you! REAL!

Nabooru: Right. Whatever.

Zelda: I'll say it again. Where is everybody?

Darunia: Well, I saw Rauru earlier…

in the living room

Rauru is passed out on the couch, with half a cheesecake stuffed in his mouth and an "Andy Griffith" marathon on the t.v.

Rauru: ZZZZZzzzzzz…eh…Aunt Bea? Put down the pickles slowly and put your hands on your head…zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzz…snore

back in the room

Nabooru: Saria is in the kitchen…

in the kitchen

Saria: Whoa…dude…I am soooo drunk! Heh heh, the floor is talking to me…Hello Mr. Floor! 

in the room

Ganon: Ruto is surfing the internet…

in the computer room

Ruto: Hmmm…there has to be a recipe for a love potion here somewhere! I want my Linkie back!

in the room

Zelda: I know that Impa is out shopping…

in the mall

Impa: I'm sure Ganon won't mind if I use his credit card without asking…he's a nice guy, right? Right?

in the room

Chaos: And Link is hiding in his closet, close to dying of embarrassment. So that leaves Skullkid, who is still in the icebox…

meanwhile, in China

Skullkid: riding a skateboard on the Great Wall of China YYYYYEEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!

back in the room

Chaos: …and Mido, but who knows where he is? Or cares?

in a random room

Mido is still adjusting the Dream Recorder thing. He is covered in bandages and his hair is spiked from getting electrocuted by putting his finger inside the battery…repeatedly…

Mido: quite insane Geyahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Muwahahahahahahahaha! I'll show them! I'll show them all! high-pitched voice Nothing can stop me! Nothing! Mwehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…heh…passes out

back in the other random room

Link: coming down the stairs from his room Hello everyone! Hello hello, how y'all doing? Whatcha doing? Whatcha doing? How y'all doing? Hello hello!

Zelda: Um, hi Link…felling better?

Link: Good as new, Zel! Good as new! Good as new!

Darunia: …Link, is something wrong?

Link: Nothing wrong! Nothing wrong! I'm fine! How are you? How are you? Whatcha doing? Whatcha doing?

Nabooru: What, exactly, do you mean?

Link: Heh, well a wink's as good as a nod to a blind bat! Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more! Say no more!

Ganon: Um, Link…?

Link: Yes?

Ganon: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Link: What do you mean? What do you mean? Say no more! Say no more! Heh? Wink wink nudge nudge! Say no more! Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more!

Chaos: Did you go insane in the last five minutes? You're acting really, really -- wait! Shh! Listen!

everyone stops to listen. They can hear Rauru snoring and muttering about Aunt Bea, Saria in the kitchen muttering about who knows what, and some crickets outside that sound suspiciously like Beethoven.

Darunia: What is it, Chaos?

Chaos: Somewhere, someone insulted me! 

Ganon: Chaos, I'm sure lots of people are insulting you right now.

Chaos: Quiet you! I can hear a dis on me from a mile away, and this person sounds familiar…

Zelda: So who is it?

Chaos: Hmmm…begins walking up the stairs

after about an hour of searching, they approach Link's room

Link: Hey, don't go in my room! Hey, I just told you not to go in there! Hey!

Zelda: entering Link's room At least he's speaking normally…What the-?!

Chaos: Cue Twilight Zone Theme here…

Ganon: Or the Psycho Theme…

Nabooru: I…never knew Link was into this kind of…stuff…

the room is filled with bazookas, knives, and weapons of all sorts and…shudder sewing materials… A/N: Of course sewing! What were _you_ thinking of?

Chaos: Er…we can worry over this later. The insult came from around here…walks to the closet

Link: Oh, don't do that!

Ganon: Um, maybe you shouldn't open it…

Nabooru: Yeah, he told us not to go in here, and, well, look at the place!

Zelda: I don't want to think about it, much less look! Don't open it, Chaos!

Chaos: No, I have to. I must find the person who insulted me!

Link: Don't open it! NO NO NO NO NO NO no……Chaos opens it

Everyone: GASP! _Link?!_

inside the closet is Link, tied up and stripped to his boxers, which are black with glow-in-the-dark hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons…

Link in the Closet: muffled from duct tape Mmmmph!

Ganon: staring at Link in the Closet BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! pulls off the duct tape

Closet Link: OW! 

Ganon: Heh heh heh he…Oh, hold on…THERE ARE TWO LINKS?!

Zelda: Looks like it…Ruto will be happy about this…

Closet Link: I'm the real Link, that Link isn't really me! Well, sort of…I guess he is me, but he isn't…You see, he is me, and I'm me, so we're both me, but I'm me and he isn't, see?

Everyone: ……

Closet Link: You don't see…

Chaos: Um, so if you're Link, then who is he?

Closet Link: The Mystery Narrator. I found out who he was, and so he took my clothes, tied me up, and stuck me in here!

Ganon: Awww…was he after your Lucky Charms?

Closet Link: Grrrrrr…

Zelda: How do we tell which one is real?

Nabooru: Have them say something that only Link would know! 

Chaos: Okay, Links, line up!

they stand next to each other

Chaos: Say something that only Link would know!

Weird Link: Ok. I…am a player!

Closet Link: I am not! Stop saying that I'm a player!

Chaos: points at Closet Link That's the real one! In the Lucky Charms boxers! 

Ganon: to Weird Link Trying to impersonate my nemesis, huh? Take this! smacks him on the back of the head

Weird Link: OW! two blue colored contacts fall from his eyes Whoo, boy…

Everyone: You…you're…!

Weird Link: Dark Link, yes.

Chaos: You are the Mystery Narrator?

Dark Link: That's right! I wasn't content with just narrating, so I was going to take over this fic…and I would have succeeded if it weren't for you meddling kids!

Chaos: Huh. Well, you can go back to narrating, but you will never take over this fic! narrating _Dark Link was overrun by Rabid Time-Travelling Squirrels who transported him back to the Narration Dimension…_

Dark Link: No! Not the squirrels! NOOOOOOO! gets overrun by squirrels, etc.

Chaos: Well, another case solved! Let's go downstairs and have a snack!

Ganon: Heh heh heh…how about some Lucky Charms?

Link: …You do know I'm going to have to get back at you for all the insults, right?

Ganon: You? Hah! And how do you plan to do that?

Link: Um…well…I'll think of something!

Ganon: Heh.

Chaos: I'm going to end this, ok?

Everyone: Fine.

Chaos: Any reason why I shouldn't?

Everyone: No.

Chaos: Speak individually!

Zelda: But--

Ganon: We--

Nabooru: Don't--

Darunia: Wanna--

Chaos: Nevermind.


	14. Zujo: Part 1

Author's Notes: I just finished reading Cujo, and I had a sudden and insane desire to make a parody of it

Author's Notes: I just finished reading Cujo, and I had a sudden and insane desire to make a parody of it. A few of you seemed to like the whole Battlebots mess, so I decided on another possible mini-series…

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda and I sure as heck don't own Steven King or Cujo or Star Wars or Michael Jackson, or anything else. 

****

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Well, it wasn't really long, long ago, more like five minutes…

And it wasn't that far away, either, just in the courtyard of Hyrule Castle…

A gnat was there.

But this was no _ordinary_ gnat.

This gnat…

…was _rabid_!

Microscopic bits of foam dripped from the gnat's microscopic mouth…or proboscis or whatever. The point is, the gnat was rabid. The rabies had long ago destroyed all parts of the gnat's brain, saving one. This part of the brain, which exists, in every living creature and quite a few nonliving objects as well, has but one function.

Randomness.

This part of the brain, the Randomness Cortex, randomly generates small, electrical charges, the kind the normal part of the brain uses as telephone wires. These random charges get picked up by the sane brain, which interprets them as messages, and acts on them accordingly. It is a heated debate among scientists whether or not this was the cause of several historic events, including the Boston Tea Party, Custer's Last Stand, and the birth of George W. Bush. 

As a side note, it has been discovered that certain individuals have enlarged Randomness Cortexes. A few of the known specimens are *~Misty Dawn~*, DeadeyeDave, ChaosWEAPON, and a Blue Keaton. Not to worry, sane readers, the Men in White have been notified. So have the Men in Black, the Men in Turquoise, the Men in Off-White, the elusive Men in Technicolor…

Audience: _GET TO THE POINT!!!_

Ah, yes, the point. The gnat is rabid, with only the Randomness Cortex and the rabies in charge of it. With one random, rabies-tainted signal, the gnat set off a chain of events that would change history forever…

****

Wasting Time W/ Zelda and Company 

Part 14:

Zujo

__

Hello again. Yes, it's me, Dark. I'm stuck here in the Narrate-a-Verse, where Chaos stuck me because I tried to take over her fic. So, I'll be here…for the time being…

Anyway, I'll get this over with first, so you don't keep waiting for them to show up:

****

Meanwhile, in a random room, etc…

Mido has been building on to the Dream Recorder. It is now the core of a giant killer robot…

Mido: Mwehehehehehehehee hee hee heehohohohohohohohohgyeeheeheehee hee!! 

****

Narrate-a-Verse

__

He could be there for a while. As for the other guy Chaos is trying to tactfully get rid of…

****

At that moment, in Australia…

Skullkid: with impersonated Aussie accent G'DAY, MATES! I'M SKULLKID, THE CRIKEY-DILE HUNTER! DUN DUN DUN, DUH DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN! OH, WAIT, I THINK THAT'S THE "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" THEME…

****

Narrate-a-Verse

__

…Riiiiight…well, I doubt that they'll show up anytime soon, so you can stop worrying about them. Well, things have been quiet in the castle lately. Everything is peaceful, serene…well, almost.

****

Link's Room

Link is frantically scribbling down something…his face is nearly pressed to the page, and his sentences are going everywhere on the page

Link: Hee hee hee! That's a good one! You're gonna get what's coming to you, Ganon…muwhahahahahahaHAHAHA HA HA HA!!!

****

Narrate-a-Verse

__

Linky-boy's going to snap soon, I reckon. I can't wait. All this peace makes me sick to my stomach. I'm sure some mayhem will break out soon, though. Apparently that fairy, what's her name? Is coming back from her vacation today. In fact, she's almost to the courtyard…

****

Castle Courtyard

If anyone with a magnifying glass had bothered to look closer at the courtyard, they would have seen a gnat. That gnat seemed to be dripping…foam? Yes! For this is the rabid gnat discussed earlier in the fic!

Anyway, upon a random impulse, the gnat bit a mosquito. 

The mosquito, upon a random impulse, bit a butterfly.

Butterfly: Ow! What the-? folds wings together, crushing rabid mosquito Stupid mosquitoes. The little buggers are everywhere. Hey, that's weird…I feel strange. Maybe I should lie down-grrrahhhggg! Snarl! starts foaming at the mouth

At that moment, Navi flies in.

Upon a random impulse, the butterfly flies up to Navi.

Navi: Hi, little butterfly! Huh? You seem to have some whip cream on your face-

The butterfly bites Navi.

****

Elsewhere in the Courtyard

Zelda, lost in not so deep thought, stares at the ground while wandering around. Glancing under a lawn chair, she spies an M&M. 

Zelda: Oooh! An M&M! crawls under chair to grab it Yum, M&M. And blue, my favorite! she eats it Maybe there's some more in the kitchen…

Zelda tries to get out from under the chair, but for some reason the chair's legs collapse, trapping Zelda's head in the chair.

Zelda: I cannot believe I just got my head stuck in a chair. she hears singing Huh? Who's there?

Navi flies into the courtyard. She is flying in loops, upside-down, however her random impulses dictate she should fly. She is foaming at the mouth. 

Navi: singing …Oh, Billie Jean, is not my lover! She's just a girl…uh huh, git down! Ya know I'm Bad! I'm Bad! And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again, Who's Bad? Uh huh! 

wolfos howls

Navi: still singing It's close to midnight, somethin' evil's a-lurkin' in the dark! Out of the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart! You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it! You start to breathe, as horror looks you right between the eyes, your very eyes! 'Cause this is _Thriller_! Thriller night, and no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike!

Zelda: …Navi? Could you, maybe, help me? I've got my head stuck in this chair.

Navi flies over, hearing Zelda's voice.

Zelda: Thanks Navi. Um, Navi, you seem to be foaming at the mouth…were you just eating sugar? N-Navi? 

Navi: Grrrrraaaaahhhhhhgggggg! Grr! Snarl! Thriller! Thriller night! Grr! Snarl! bites Zelda Gyahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

**__**

To be continued…


	15. Zujo, Continued

Author's Notes: Yes, this is still part of the Zujo Arc, and hopefully I can finish it here, but if not, then it'll go for another chapter

Author's Notes: Yes, this is still part of the Zujo Arc, and hopefully I can finish it here, but if not, then it'll go for another chapter. One of my best friends really wanted to be in this, so I caved, of course. She isn't an author here at FF.N, but she has considered it. So, um…actually I really don't know why I agreed. Too late now, though. I tried to keep her in character, by the way. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, or Braveheart, or that one line from The Simpsons, or Friday the 13th, FF 7 & 8, OR anything else, and nobody owns my friend because nobody wants her. And, sorry to poke fun at the breakdown, but I couldn't help it. Oh, and I didn't take the idea of MegMar visiting from MD; my friend has wanted to make an appearance for some time now, and I apologize. 

****

Wasting Time W/ Zelda and Company

Part 15:

Zujo, Continued

__

Hi. Yeah, I'm still here. Stuck in this crummy alternate dimension. At least Chaos promised me I could be guest host sometime. That'll_ be interesting. 'Course, that's only if she doesn't find some way to get rid of me by then. She never will, though, NEVER, DO YA HEAR ME?! NEVAAAAARRRRRR! _Scottish accent _Ye ken stick me here, Chaos, but ye ken never take awey me FFRREEDDOOMM! _begins dancing a Scottish jig

Chaos: Hey hey HEY! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT! 

__

Ye ken-

Chaos: And cut that out too! 

__

Tch, fine. And what are you doing in the Narrate-a-Verse, anyway?

Chaos: Better. And I'm here because I wanted to see how you're doing.

__

Doing what?

Chaos: I don't know. It's just something you're supposed to say when you're pretending to be polite.

__

Oh, ok. Well, things are dull here… but I watch you cough losers cough _peoples, so I've got some entertainment, at least. Hey, are you going to make good on that guest-host promise?_

Chaos: Of course. I wouldn't miss that for the world. But wait for a bit, ok? I've got a feeling things are going to start blowing up around here soon.

__

I've noticed. 

****

Link's Room

Link is on the telephone

Link: …uh huh. Yeah, that's all I need. Ring it up, Joe…ok! Just put it on my account. Thanks Joe. 

hangs up the telephone

Link: laughing maniacally Hee hee hee ha ha ha HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

****

The Kitchen

Zelda is rummaging through the cupboards

Zelda: humming thriller, thriller night…Where are those blasted M&Ms?!

****

Elsewhere

Mido is sleeping, still holding a wrench, Phillip's screwdriver, and a bonesaw

Mido: ZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzz…heh heh heh…laugh at me, will they…? Heh heh heh…ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz…

****

Somewhere in the Amazon

Skullkid is sitting on the ground holding his legs to his chest, rocking back and forth

Skullkid: CAN'T SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME. CAN'T SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME…

****

Narrate-a-Verse

__

I have a feeling something is very wrong with those people. _And I have a feeling that something is you._

Chaos: Probably. Well, whatever is wrong, it's about to get worse.

__

Why…?

Chaos: I invited a friend of mine over…

__

Oh, no…MegMar?

Chaos: Yep. 

__

Now why would you go and do an idiot thing like that?

Chaos: I don't really know.

sighs _So when will the_ shudder _Dreaded One be upon us?_

Voice: from normal-a-verse, in a random room Hell-ooooooo! Annnnybodyyyyy here? Yo, Chaos! Get your butt out here!

Chaos: looking at Dark Link Um…?

__

Don't expect me to help you. 

Chaos: Drat. 

Voice: still in the normal-a-verse I hope you don't mind if I root through your stuff! 

__

She's going to earn that PG-13 rating, isn't she?

Chaos: I'm afraid so. I'd better get down there before she does anything. Oh, and Dark? Keep an eye out, ok? Just in case?

__

Why should I?

Chaos: 'Cause if you don't, I'll stick her in here with you.

__

I'll keep an eye out.

****

In a Random Room

Link: Chaos! There's a crazy lunatic here who say's she's a friend of yours!

Nabooru: Which doesn't surprise me.

Chaos: That would be MegMar. 

Ruto: So she _is_ your friend?

Chaos: Yeah…

Impa: _Why?_

Chaos: No one really knows. 

Nabooru: That doesn't surprise me either. 

Chaos: Has she caused any damage yet?

Rauru: crying She said I have more rolls than a pastry truck!

Ganon: also crying She said I have green skin!

Chaos: Odd. She usually saves those insults for me. Where is she now?

Link: She's rooting through your stuff.

Chaos: …YOU LET HER IN MY ROOM!?

Link: Y-yes…

Chaos: AIIIIIGGGGHHHH! runs screaming towards her room

Impa: Things are going to get interesting around here, aren't they?

Darunia: Yep.

****

Chaos's Room

MegMar: going through Chaos's CDs Ooh! I'm gonna borrow this! And this! And this! And I think I'll keep this…

Chaos: Grrr…

****

Random Room

Chaos and MegMar come out from Chaos's room

Chaos: Everybody, this is MegMar. MegMar, everybody. 

Everybody: Hi. Now get out.

MegMar: Hey! Shut up, pointy-eared people!

Ganon: I don't have pointy ears!

MegMar: Shut up, green-skinned person!

Ganon: WAAAAHHHHHHHH! runs away

__

Suddenly...

Dark Link pushes the "Emergency Fict Stop" button

__

Just then...

The crew is released from the stop, but MegMar remains frozen, due to some technical babble that we can't explain and you wouldn't believe if we told you

Link: We have an announcement to make!

Chaos: This had better be important. You can't stop a fict just to scratch your arse. 

Darunia: Testy, today, aren't we?

Link: Ok, everybody, on three! 1, 2...

Everybody: *****DRAW CHAOSWEAPON CONTEST!*****

Chaos: _What!?_

Link: We got sick of seeing a FF8 character in Chaos's bio. So we decided to get rid of it!  
Rauru: holding a burning picture of Rinoa from FF8 Yeah! the fire spreads to his sleeves OW!

Ganon: Of course, while we were removing it, we kinda deleted a line of code from the FF.N database....

Nabooru: The system crashed...

Ruto: Chaos's rabid time-travelling squirrels started rampaging through the site...

Impa: And things went downhill from there.

Saria: But the important part is, we got the picture!

Chaos: Is _that_ what caused the breakdown?

Link: So, now Chaos needs a new pict for her bio. 

Ganon: So we decided to use this time to tell you to send in your drawings or picts of what you think ChaosWEAPON looks like! 

Nabooru: You can try the human approach, like the Author Formally Known as Misty Dawn did with a drawing of her as an anime character...

Impa: or you can try to draw what a "ChaosWEAPON" would look like.

Saria: Whatever that is...

__

I did a bit of research on that.

Ganon: What'd ya find?

__

Well, apparently "Chaos" is a big bat-winged demon type thing that a "Limit Break" of some FF7 guy, Vincent Valentine. It was also the final boss from FF1.

Link: Limit Break? 

Nabooru: And...?

__

"WEAPONS" are big-arse monsters from various FF games.

Impa: You love FF more that us, don't you!?

Chaos: No. 

Impa: Oh, ok. 

Link: So, um, try to draw ChaosWEAPON, however you want. E-Mail 'em to us at her address...

Ganon: holding sign that says "Criosphinx@ffgurus.zzn.com"

Impa: And assuming she can figure out the attachment system...

Link: We'll force her to post the winner on her profile! 

__

Heh heh heh. I think I'll ask MegMar if she still has a copy of the Forbidden Photograph.

Chaos: gasp! You wouldn't dare!

Ganon: Forbidden Photo...?

__

There's this one picture from a fieldtrip in 5th grade, and Chaos took one of those gummi Lifesavers, and-

Chaos: SILENCE! (A/N: There is such a Forbidden Photograph, and, yes, MegMar still has a copy.)

Link: Press the Resume Fict Button, Dark.

__

Ok. fict resumes

MegMar: So, wazzzzuuuup?!

Chaos: Nothing. Give me back my CDs.

MegMar: No! I wanna…borrow…them. Please? Bambi eyes

Chaos: No. Give them back. 

MegMar: Awwwwww…no.

Chaos: Grrrrr…

****

30 minutes later…

Chaos: putting her CDs back Whew!

Ganon: Ooh! Battlebots is on! Let's watch it!

Rauru: No, let's watch Cooking With Dave!

Ganon: Battlebots!

Rauru: Cooking With Dave!

Chaos: grabbing remote Whose Line, and I call it! So nyeh!

Everyone: Awwww.

apart from Chaos's laughter, things are quiet

****

CRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Link: holding his head AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

MegMar: holding her still-vibrating cymbals Wasn't me. eyes shift from side to side 

Zelda: entering, with M&Ms between her teeth and singing It wasn't me! But she caught me on the counter! Wasn't me! Saw me kissing…

MegMar: Yeah, ah uh, you're done. 

Zelda: Done? Rrraaaagggghhhhhhhh snarl Roar! foaming at the mouth

Everyone: _Woah!_

MegMar: AAHHH! smacks Zelda with cymbals

Zelda: This one time, at band camp…passes out

Chaos: Wow. MegMar did something good for once!

MegMar: Oh yeah! I rule! starts singing Mmm bop! Da da dee mm bop! 

Zelda: wakes up AHHHH! No! NO MMM BOP! Grrrahhhh snarl! attacks MegMar

Chaos: gasp! Zelda killed MegMar!

Everyone: ……WHOOO-HOOO!

Chaos: As a reward for ridding us of her, narrating _And so, Zelda was cured of her rabies…_

Zelda: Huh? What-? Hey, M&Ms!

Ruto: Drat. Well, I'm gonna go get some chips…Aaaaiiiiiieeeeee!

there is someone with a chainsaw and a Jason-esque hockey mask behind her

Person in Jason Mask: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chaos: grabbing a pitchfork Die, spawn of cheeze wiz!

MegMar: pulling off mask Simmer down, there!

Everyone: AAAAAAAHHHHH! MEGMAR'S A ZOMBIE!!!!

Chaos: Even worse. Get out of here! narrating _MegMar was transported who knows where…_

MegMar: I'LL BE BAAAAaaaaaaack!

Everyone: Whew…

Nabooru: Well, this chapter was certainly pointless. 

Impa: Right. Let's end it now, before it gets to someone else. 

Chaos: Sounds good. Bybyies!


	16. The Sound of Music

Author's Note: About the Zujo thing, and the MegMar thing…all I can say is, It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Author's Note: About the Zujo thing, and the MegMar thing…all I can say is, It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time. Also, I'm sure a few of you have been wondering what is up with Skullkid, Mido, and Link. Skullkid and Mido I'll let you figure out yourselves, but Link's problem should be cleared up, oh, in a chapter or so. For now, enjoy Chapter 16.

Ooh! Side Note- Two things going on. First, in the last Chap, Zelda n' Company announced a drawing contest, and yes, it is valid, and I'm awaiting submissions. I'll be taking them through the end of October. Next item- I've hinted at the fact that Dark Link gets to host the fict soon. I'm taking submissions for "guests" for D's chapter. If you'd like to be in the chapter, e-mail me, and we'll work something out. 

Disclaimer: If I had any idea how to, I'd say the disclaimer in a different language. Unfortunately, I don't, so you'll just have to be content with the standard "No own anything, no sue." The songs belong to whoever owns them, FF9 belongs to Squaresoft, Zelda belongs to Miyamoto, what Mido is saying belongs to Gary Larson, "Respect My Authority!" belongs to South Park, Dr. Nick belongs to the Simpsons, Pokemon belongs to the fanatics of the world, and all that good stuff.

****

Chapter 16: The Sound of Music

Random Room

dramatic music plays, lightning flashes in backround, etc.

Chaos: dramatic voice Welcome to the 16th Chapter of our tale. To those of you unfamiliar with the tapestry of joy, sorrow, anger, peace, order and chaos that we, the inhabitants of the realm of Hyrule, have woven, we present to you our lives, in our own words. 

Link: My name is Link. I am the Hero of Time, chosen by Fate to lead the world of Hyrule to the path of good and justice, to be the Bearer of Courage. No time or place is my own; I am the Wanderer, the Wearer of Masks, for even my face is unfamiliar to me. I am Link.

Zelda: My name is Zelda. I am the Princess of Hyrule, Princess of Destiny and the Holder of Wisdom. I have been given the task of leading Hyrule, and to keep it from breaking apart. My life is not my own; I am the Porcelain Doll, the Disguised, for I am sheltered but yearn for mystery. I am Zelda.

Ganon: My name is Ganon. I am the King of Evil and of Thieves. I am the lone king of my people, brought forth to rule and to be the Master of Power. My fate is not my own; I am the Master, the Sealed, for I am condemned to spend eternity in oblivion with the very force I sought to conquer. I am Ganon. 

Nabooru: hey, yo! What's with the soap opera theme?!

Malon: And the dramatic stuff? This is random humor here, peeps!

Ruto: Yeah, what's up, Chaos?

Chaos: Oh, sorry. switches tapes in her CD player. Things instantly become funnier. Let's try this again, shall we? 

rewind

****

Chapter 16: The Sound of Music

****

Random Room

Chaos: like Dr. Nick from the Simpsons Hi, everybody!

Everyone: Hi, Miss C!

Chaos: Okey dokey. To all of you who just tuned in because you were busy doing something productive and meaningful with your lives, here's an overview of everybody here!

Link: I AM NOT A PLAYER!

Zelda: I was rabid! Now I'm not! 

Ganon: I have a metal plate in my skull!

Saria: Just 'cause I'm a kid, doesn't mean you don't have to respect me!

Darunia: I snore like a congested heifer!

Impa: I may be a servant, but I won't hesitate to kick your arse! Just as soon as I finish the laundry…

Rauru: singing I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas!

Nabooru: Yeah, I'm a thief, but you can't prove a thing!

Ruto: I LOVE YOU, LINKIE!

Dark Link, in case you couldn't guess: _I will rule someday!_

Chaos: I'M the author here, so respect my authority!

side note: for some reason that we are too lazy to look up, Mido and Skullkid could not be reached.

****

Some other random room

Mido is adorning himself with warpaint

Mido: Eeeeny-ooony wanah…Eeeeny-ooony wanah…

****

Somewhere in Europe

Skullkid is shopping 

Skullkid: OOOH! LIETERHOSEN! AND CLOGS!

****

Random Room

Chaos: Sorry about the drama stuff. I was listening to "Dramatic Music," but now I'm listening to "Happy Music," so things should be funnier now. 

Ruto: And more random, I'll bet.

for no reason, Saria races by, chased by Rauru

Saria: wearing Rauru's…er, undergarments wrapped around her head like a turban WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Rauru: Grrrrrrrrr…!

Impa: Yep. 

Nabooru: So…what type of music you're listening to decides how you write?

Chaos: Yep.

Link: What types music decide what writing?

Chaos: Happy music gets funny ficts. Drama music gets dramatic, angsty ficts. Mystery music gets more angst, and the other stuff like horror and fantasy. 

Link: Huh. S'pose music will affect other people, too?

Chaos: I don't see why not.

Link: Hmmmm…

Impa: Well, I've got laundry to do. Anyone want to help?

Nabooru: Why not? It'll get me out of the "Chaos Blast Zone."

Ruto: Maybe I'll go read some more fanficts…Oh, and Darunia's off eating rocks somewhere, if you cared. 

Chaos: Ok. Bye. Hey, Link, can I borrow your mini-boombox?

Link: You could, but I don't know where it is. You can ask someone else if they've seen it. 

Chaos: Ok. Maybe Dark's got it…

****

Narrate-a-Verse

Chaos: Dark should be here…hey, is that singing…?

polka music is playing

Far-off Voice: singing

__

Graveler, Snubble, Venonat,

Mankey, Chansey, and Zubat!

Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree,

Lugia and Caterpie!

Onyx, Poliwag, Goldeen,

Elekid and Nidoqueen!

Victreebell and Magneton!

Everybody Polkamon!

Chaos: Oh…my…trying not to burst out laughing

Dark Link: still singing, and dancing the polka with a Pikachu doll wearing a Weird Al wig

__

Aerodactal, Seal, Machoke,

Paras, Moltres, and Slowpoke!

Articuno, Ditto, Muck,

Flareon and o Psyduck!

Cloister, Kingler, Shelder, Gloom,

Snorelax and of course Vileplume!

Um, something and Charmeleon!

Everybody Polkamon!

Chaos: thinking If I laugh, Dark will be pissed off something awful. If I don't, I'm gonna burst something!

__

It's time to polka!

For Ponyta and Pidgey too!

C'mon put on your lieterhosen!

And try not to step on little Pikachu!

You'd better grab yourself a partner!

Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur! Bulbasaur!

Hold on a minute!

There's still at least a hundred twenty seven more!

Chaos: Mmmmphh…

__

Including Ledyba and Omastar!

Jynx, Bellossum, and Magmar!

Geodude and Arcanine!

Jigglypuff and Mr. Mime!

Don't forget about Sandslash, 

Exeggcute and Rapidash,

Lickitung and Porygon!

Everybody Polkamon!

Everybody Polkamon!

Everybody Polkamon!

Chaos: stands up, applauding Bra-vo! Encore!

Dark Link stops dancing, hurling the wig-wearing Pikachu away from him

__

Chaos! When- ah, um, er…it…it's not what it seems!

Chaos: still laughing Then what is it?

__

Um…

Chaos: Well…?

__

You realize one word is instant death, right?

Chaos: Heh heh, don't worry, I won't tell. under her breath Yet.

__

Did you say something?

Chaos: Not a thing. I just came by to ask if you'd seen Link's mini-boombox. I want to borrow it, but I can't find it. 

__

I haven't seen it. You asked Ganon?

Chaos: Not yet. I was going to ask him later if you didn't have it. Bye!

****

Random Room

Darunia: I'm sick of the name "Random Room." We come to the same room every day, so it isn't very random, is it?!

Chaos: You've got a point there…I'll think up a new name sometime.

Darunia: Good.

__

Just then, Ganon stumbled into the room, looking quite upset and confused…

Ganon: Chaos! Ya gotta help me!

Chaos: What's up? 

Darunia: You look stressed…I'm outta here. leaves

Ganon: My plate! The plate in my skull!

Chaos: What about it? Did it get magnetized?

Ganon: Worse! It's picking up radio signals!

Chaos: Oooh…that can't be good…

Ganon: It's driving me crazy!

Chaos: Well, I'll go see what I can find about curing this. You stay here. 

Ganon: Ok…

****

Narrate-a-Verse

Chaos: Hey, Dark. Just stopping by.

__

For what?

Chaos: Need to get into the library. 

__

What library? This is the Narrate-a-Verse. 

Chaos: I know. I keep everything I don't have any room for here. presses concealed switch in the wall. The wall opens up, revealing a huge library.

__

How long has this been here?!

Chaos: Since ever. There's also an entertainment room, pool…

__

I've been bored out of my mind in here, and you didn't tell me about this?!

Chaos: I figured you'd found it. Tell you what, I'll narrate into being an nice room for you. In the meantime, check on Ganon, will you?

__

Why?

Chaos: That plate is acting up. Just tell me how he's doing, ok? begins looking in the library for a book on metal plates

__

Um, Chaos…? I think you should see this…

Chaos: See what? 

__

Ganon.

Chaos: Oh, no. Now what?

****

Random Room

Ganon: holding his head in his hands Arrrggg…urge to sing…rising…must…resist…

Darunia: enters with a yo-yo Hey, look! I can do an "Around the World!" See? See?

Ganon: will collapsing, begins singing

{The kisses of the sun

Were sweet

I didn't blink

I let it in my eyes

Like an exotic dream

The radio playing songs

That I have never heard

I don't know what to say

Oh, not another word

Just- la la la la la-

It goes around the world

Just- la la la la la-

It's all around the world

Just- la la la la la-

And everybody's singing

La la la la la-

And now the bells are ringing

La la la la la la la la-}

Darunia: Um…that's not what I meant…so…STOP! 

Ganon: Never! starts singing the "Windmill Song" 

Do do dooo, do do dooo, do do do do do do!

Do do do do do, do do do do do!

Ruto: Aaaagggghhhh! You're making me sick!

Ganon: Sick? I make you sick? You make me sick! begins singing

{You make me sick

I want you and I'm hating it

Got me lit like a candlestick

Get too hot when you touch the tip I'm feeling it I gotta get a grip

And it's, driving me crazy baby don't you quit

You got me going again

Baby, you got me going again

You make me sick}

Ruto: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! runs away screaming

Link: enters Did I just hear Ruto scream in misery? What am I missing?

Ganon: Missing?

Darunia: Crud, here we go again…

Ganon: singing, again, this time in a slow, soprano voice

{I step off the train, 

I'm walking down your street again,

And past your door,

But you don't live there anymore.

It's years since you've been there.

Now you've disappeared somewhere

Like outer space

You've found some better place,}

Darunia: Yeah, somewhere away from here. Runs away

Ganon: singing, still

{Somewhere, over the rainbow

Skies are blue…}

Link: Stop or I will sic the Grim Reaper on you!

Nabooru: Who'll sic who on whom now?

Ganon: Reaper, huh…?

Link: Shnikies! That's a song isn't it?

Ganon: drawing a deep breath

Nabooru: A song about the Reaper? 'Fraid so. 

Ganon: singing

{All our times have come

Here but now they're gone

Seasons don't fear the Reaper

Nor do the wind, the sun and the rain, we can be like they are

Come on baby, don't fear the Reaper

Baby take my hand, don't fear the Reaper

Baby I'm your man}

Nabooru: You aren't anybody's man, least of all mine. I'm outta here!

Chaos: from Narrate-a-Verse Link! Do something!

Link: Like what? Ganon is singing the "Little Mermaid" theme I'm content to just watch this.

Chaos: Bash him over the head or something, just make him stop!

Link: Oh, ok. takes out Megaton Hammer Ready…aim…

****

WHANGO!!!

Link: "Whango?" Methinks the hammer needs a tune-up…

much later…

Chaos: Ok, we put another plate in his skull because _somebody_ bashed him too hard over the head…_again_.

Link: Heh, whoops?

Ganon: with many bandages around his head So…what was making me sing?

Chaos: looking at Link I seems someone jammed his or her mini-boombox into your head…

Everyone: looking at Link ………

Ganon: …Link…why…?

Link: To get you back for the Lucky Charms Boxers jokes?

Ganon: This means war. 

Link: I'm gonna leave now…flees in terror

Ganon: GET BACK HERE, KILT-BOY!!! runs after him

Chaos: Save it for next chapter, guys! HEY! PUT THAT DOWN! **crasssshhhhh!!! **Sigh…looks like I'm going to have to rebuild the whole castle by the time this is over…or I can just have the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle do it for me. See y'all next chapter! 


	17. Prank War Vengeance

Author's Notes: Hey, people of FF 

Author's Notes: Hey, people of FF.N! I'm sure you've been wondering what the heck is wrong with the characters. Mido I'll let you figure out, Skullkid should re-enter soon, around chapter 19 (Yes, I have a 20 chapter plan for this.). Link, however, gets his problem cleared up now. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Ok, Don't Own Zelda. Now that that's cleared up, let me say this, in regards to this chapter's contents: Never Do This! Well, I suppose you can, but don't come blame me when you get in trouble for it. 

Side Notes: Nobody's sent me any submission for the drawing contest! Or for Dark's chap! Now I'm sad…the drawing thing has plenty of time, but Dark gets to host soon, so if you want to make a cameo, please let me know now. Otherwise, I'll just have to drag in some authors against their will. And nobody wants that to happen. Without further ado…

****

Chapter 17: Prank War Vengeance!

__

Hey, all. Dark here, live from the Narrate-a-Verse. In case you didn't read that 50th Review thing Chaos posted, here's a recap of what it changed, which is only one thing. Apparently, Chaos had a Library, Pool, Game Room, and a ton of other cool stuff stuck up here in the Narrate-a-Verse without me knowing. So don't be all like "Where the heck did that come from?" if she decides to pay a visit there. 

Someone From Normal-a-Verse: Muweheheheheheheheheheh……

__

Oh, right. Linky-boy's been up to something, so I'm going to stay up here where it's safe and let Chaos deal with the little buggers.

Chaos: Hey! 

__

Chaos! Where were you?

Chaos: The Archives.

__

Archives…?

Chaos: It's where I keep my fict ideas.

__

Hmmmmm…

Chaos: Off limits. 

__

Drat.

Chaos: So, what are the "little buggers" doing, and why do I have to deal with it?

__

I don't know. You remember Link declared war on Ganon and vice-versa?

Chaos: Yeah. They went on a rampage and broke a lot of stuff. If it weren't for the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle I'd _still_ be picking things up!

__

Um…ok…well, I think Kilt-man is up to something.

Chaos: How can you tell?

Link: from Normal-a-Verse Muweheheheheheheheheheh……

Chaos: Oh. Guess I should get down there, huh?

****

Normal-a-Verse

Link: Muweheheheheheheheheheh……

Chaos: Ok, Link. What are you plotting now?

Link: I'm not plotting anything.

Ganon: from bathroom AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Link: I already did it.

Chaos: Oh no.

Ganon: RRRRAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!

Chaos: Hello.

Ganon: GGGGGRRRRRRR!!

Chaos: Ok, what did he do?

Ganon: He cyran-wrapped the toilet!

Chaos: He _what_?!

Link: Geheheheheheheheheheheheh! Waaah! runs away, Ganon chasing him

Chaos: Oh, this is going to be an interesting day…

__

We regret to inform you that due to a rather unfortunate freak accident involving a game of Monopoly, 32 quarts of applesauce, a set of venetian blinds, 3 cats, and a glass of milk, the rest of this chapter was lost. Fortunately, we have NaviCam™ to fall back on. Even though she's still a little whacked out from the rabies incident, we bribed her enough- er, I mean, she was gracious enough to follow Link and Ganon around with a camera. So, without further ado, here's what she caught.

****

Prank 2: Body Art

Link is asleep on the couch. Ganon approaches with a bag of…things…

Ganon: Heh heh heh…

Link: ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzz…hmmm…ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ…

Ganon: Here's something to go with those earrings, Linky-boy. takes out a black permanent marker

marker-type squeaking sounds are heard

Ganon: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! 

Link: Mmmmmpphhh…?

Ganon: Heh heh heh… tiptoes out

Link: Yaaaaawwwwnnnn….hmmmm…nice nap. 

Zelda: walking in Good morn…ing…(mmmphh) hehehehehehehehehehe!

Link: Huh? What's so funny?

Zelda: Nooooooooothhhhhhingggggggg….gigglegigglesnort

Link: Uh, ok. I'll just…go over…here…now…slowly walks out

5 mins later, in Link's bedroom…

Link: looking into the mirror at his new "tattoos," which are in the designs of all the "My Little Pony" characters, the "Care Bears," and "Teletubbies" AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

****

Prank 3: Shower

Link, still covered in the drawings (it was a permanent marker) is in Ganon's bathroom

Link: taking out a jar of petroleum jelly Good luck trying to get clean, Ganny, or should I say…break a leg? Muhahahahahahahaha! coats the shower floor with the slickiness

Link: And here he comes! Oh no, I'm trapped! dives down the laundry chute

Ganon: humming the tune to "My Little Pony" Time for a hot shower…

turns on the shower, and steps in. Immediately slips.

Ganon: Voop! thud!

****

Prank 4: New Car

Ganon, arm in a splint, is on the phone

Ganon: Yes, two tons of it…yes, that's where I want it. Thanks! hangs up 

Meanwhile…

Link: with various car-washing materials Time to give my new car a good scrubbing! sings Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing…

Outside…

a cement truck, loaded with two tons of wet cement, looms over Link's new Porsche…

Link: stepping outside, soap bucket in hand What the…?

the cement truck lines up. Ready…aim…

Link: in slow-motion NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

__

Due to Link's particularly violent reaction to having his new car plastered, the rest of this prank scene had to be edited out. While we're waiting, let's check up on some of the other members of this fict…

****

Chaos

In the Archives, working on her script, story ideas, etc.

Chaos: Hmmm…who can I con into being a guest on D's chapter…? MusicMonkey might come…of course, that in itself is inviting disaster…but then again…

****

Zelda

working out to MJ's music videos while eating M&M's. She does that a lot lately…

Zelda: And one…two…Thriller…four…Switch! One…two…Thriller…four…

****

Rauru

At an Overeater's Anonymous help group

Rauru: Hi, everyone. My name is Rauru, and I haven't been to Taco Bell for five whole minutes!

cheers

****

Darunia

at the same OA meeting

Darunia: Yea Rauru! Whoooo!

****

Saria, Impa, and Nabooru

in Impa's room, and both Saria and Impa are dressed in black

Impa: trying to sound like Yoda Well, young one, far you have come in your training. Hmm, yes.

Saria: Master Impa, why do you speak in such riddles?

Nabooru: trying not to laugh Mmmpphh…hehehehehehehe…

****

Ruto

on a date with TK (see 50th Review Extravaganza)

Ruto: sigh TK…

TK: still with burn marks on his arm Ruto…

Ruto: I still can't believe you hit me with a Pokeball…

****

Malon

missing, presumed drunk

****

Mido

missing, presumed insane

****

Skullkid

On a stage somewhere in Russia, doing that strange Russian dance (you know the one)

Skullkid: DA DA DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA HEY!

__

And, now, back to the point…

****

Prank 5: Air Horns

Link, looking quite ticked off, has ear plug jammed in his elfish ears and two large air horns, is sneaking up behind Ganon, who is reading the Funnies

Ganon: Hahahahaha! Oh, that Marmaduke! Such a zainy dog.

Link: Oh, Ganon…?

Ganon: Huh?

Link: pulling triggers Listen. **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Ganon: now quite deaf AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

****

Prank 6: Laundry

Impa is doing some laundry, and Ganon walks up to her

Ganon: yelling, 'cause he's still deaf HEY IMPA!!

Impa: AAHHH! Ganon, you don't have to yell!

Ganon: WHAT?!

Impa: DON'T YELL!!

Ganon: I'M NOT YELLING!!

Impa: Whatever…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Ganon: MIND IF I HELP WITH THE LAUNDRY?!

Impa: SURE. I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK, SO TAKE OVER FOR ME!

Ganon: OK!!

Impa: Weird guy. leaves 

Ganon: thinking Heh! Perfect! Let's see how much Link loves his tunic when I add _this_ to the wash! puts Link's clothes into the washing machine, and takes out a bag

HEH HEH HEH!! takes out a bottle of Itching Powder, Liquid Heat, and some Poison Oak Extract. Naturally, he pours them into the washing machine HEH HEH HEH…!!

later…

Link: now in the washing room, pulling his clothes from the dryer Ah! Freshly dried clothes! puts them on Mmm! Nice! Now to go get a drink…

in the kitchen…

Impa is getting another cola, and Link comes in

Impa: Hi, Link. Want a cola?

Link: …sure…that…would…be…ni-iiiiiicccceeee! AAAAHHHHH!! begins itching uncontrollably AAAAHAHHHHH!!

Impa: …weird guy. 

Nabooru comes in, and stares at Link

Nabooru: O.o

Link: now rolling on floor, itching and scratching AAAAAAHHHHHGGGGGG!!

Nabooru: Ok…strange.

Impa: Tell me about it.

Link: RRRRGGGGG…strips down to his underwear, the only thing Ganon refused to touch Ah! Free at last! runs outside, doing cartwheels and flips Wheeeee!

Nabooru + Impa: …_weird_ guy.

****

Normal-a-Verse

Chaos: listening to Ganon yell and watching Link dance and frolic about Ok, that does it! narrating _The offending pranksters were placed in separate cages…_

Ganon: appearing in cage WHAT THE-?!

Link: appearing in another cage Wheeee- huh?

Chaos: As fun as it is to watch you two, I've had enough. You two will stay in those cages until I find a suitable punishment. 

Ganon: WHAT?!

Chaos: … smacks him upside the head, her hand making a ringing sound on his metal plates 

Ganon: Ouch! Hey, I can hear again! 

Link: Hey…can I at least have a fresh pair of clothes?

Chaos: No.

Ganon: You're not…gonna let the readers decide our fate, are ya?

Chaos: Of course I am.

Saria: Hehehehe! That'll be fun!

Link + Ganon: Traitor…

Chaos: And now the ending…ahem Dark gets to host next chapter, and I'm going to humiliate these two then, so if you have a suggestion, please send it in ASAP to: _Criosphinx@ffgurus.zzn.com_ ok? Oh, yeah, and MusicMonkey see above is MegMar's new nickname, by the way. Thankies, and Bybyies!


	18. Survivor! (part one)

Author's Notes: This chapter idea was suggested in a review by The Traveler. I saw it, and thought, "Why not?" And, yes, the dream was an actual one I had. 

Disclaimer: No own Zelda, Survivor, any songs, or movies, Star Trek, Monty Python, Scrabble, etc. Or any of the authors I stole. Sorry, guys.

****

Chapter 18: Survivor! 

"Out-Play, Out-Scheme, Out-Last"

_'Ello ev'ry body! Welcome back. Chaos decided to bump back my 15 minutes of fame so she could do another craptacular chapter of her own. Hmph. At least she promised I could be the host when she publicly humiliates G-dog and Link-man. Says she's waiting for more reader suggestions. Well, anyway…I think she's down there in that random-room-that-isn't-really-random-because-that's-the-same-random-room-everybody-goes-to-in-every-chapter. _

****

Normal-a-Verse, in said **random-room-that-isn't-really-random-because-that's-the-same-random-room-everybody-goes-to-in-every-chapter.**

Chaos is apparently looking at a map while she balances a spoon on her nose and making up a theme song

Chaos: Lessee…"Near a kinda messed-up planet a bit far from outer space…"

Ganon and Link are still in the cages. Link is playing a harmonica (still in his underwear, I might add) and Ganon is rattling a tin cup against the bars

Chaos: And, um…"Some of the Zelda characters were stuck in a Narrative place…"

Link: quits playing That isn't working very well.

Ganon: still rattling cup Did you think to look up the original words for the MST theme?

Chaos: Grr. Yes, but I couldn't find them…."There to endure the insanity of one strange author girl…" AAIIIGGHH! THIS ISN'T WORKING!

Link: Told you.

Saria: walking in Am I interrupting anything?

Chaos, Link, and Ganon: No.

Saria: Oh, good. I wanna tell you about this dream I just had…

Link: Shouldn't you ask Zelda? Or even Impa?

Saria: Impa's busy. And I ain't asking Zelda! She's weird.

Ganon and Link: So is Chaos.

Chaos: Hey!

Saria: Is for horses. Anyway, can I tell you my dream?

Chaos: Fine.

Saria: I was sitting in my room with a couple of friends, and we were chillin' ya know, just kinda hangin' out, and suddenly Klingons invaded and my friends managed to run, but I was stuck hiding behind the door to my room, and one of the Klingon warriors came in, so I punched him hard and knocked him out and took his phaser, then ran after my friends who were already across this big ditch thing next to the house so I jumped over it and landed halfway up the other side which was really cool because it was a really long jump and it felt like I was flying but anyway I ran after them but they had disappeared into a forest which I swear wasn't supposed to be there so I followed them in and somehow ended up in a men's shower room in Venice!

Everyone, including those who wandered in during the middle of it: ……

Chaos: Saria…?

Saria: Yes?

Chaos: What the heck are you doing dreaming my dreams?!

Ruto: …That was your dream?

Chaos: Yeah. My dream, not hers!

Everyone: Freak.

Chaos: Hey!

Everyone: Is for horses.

Chaos: Grrrr…

Darunia: So, um, what's the map for?

Chaos: I'm plotting where to strand you all on a deserted island.

Darunia: Oh. Business as usual, then?

Rauru: Wait, run that by me again?

Chaos: I'm plotting where to strand you all on a deserted island.

Rauru: Ah. Mmmm…dessert island…drool

Zelda: Eeeww…

Ruto: And why are we going to a deserted island?

Chaos: To do a Survivor parody, why else?

Everyone: Ahhh…

Chaos: Anyway, I've got a Random Team Selector Thing *cough*pre-set*cough*, so all we need is the host…And I have the perfect one…heh heh heh.

Link: Who?

Darunia: Not…?

Impa: Oh _no_. Not again!

Chaos: Sorry. narrating _And the victim, er, "guest host" was plucked from his dimension without any warning whatsoever…_

DeadeyeDave appears, still holding a few Scrabble letters

Deadeye: Huh? Ay! Son of a monkey's uncle! Of all times, _why now_?! I was gonna spell "zipper" on _two_ Triple Word Scores!

Chaos: Wow. Small world. I once almost did that, but then my brother-

Deadeye: Don't start. So, what'd you drag me here for _this_ time?

Chaos: Survivor. Need a ref.

Deadeye: M'kay. When do we start?

Chaos: Now. Everybody in the chopper!

Everyone: What chopper?

Chaos: Oh, right. narrating _A large helicopter arrived…_

Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Thud.

Everyone: O…K…

Ganon: You're going to let us out of these cages, right?

Link: And give me back my clothes?

Chaos: Yeah. Let's go, everyone!

Everyone: Yay!

****

Day 1

in the helicopter, over the ocean…****

Deadeye: Ok! We're approaching our destination! You can see out the window…

everyone moves to look, and the 'copter becomes unbalanced, beginning a nose dive…

Everyone: AAAIIIIIHHHHHH!

Deadeye: Trim the heli! Trim the heli! everyone moves back, and balance is restored

Everyone: Yay!

Deadeye: Whew…anyway, the island is right down there. It's a secret island, so no one knows where we'll be and none of you will be able to escape, I mean, leave the island…

Link: Is that Kolholint?

Deadeye: …Darn you Link, now we have to find a new island!

Link: Sorry.

Chaos: Oh, nevermind it! We'll start again tomorrow!

****

Day 2

landing on an island that no one recognized

Deadeye: Ok! Now, unless anyone knows where we are…?

Everyone: …

Deadeye: Good. Here's the teams:

**__**

Team 1

Chaos

Link

Ganon

Ruto

Impa

****

Team 2

Zelda

Saria

Darunia

Rauru

Nabooru

Nabooru: Chaos, you're playing too?

Chaos: Of course!

Link: Why'd you put me with Ganon and Ruto?!

Chaos: Because I felt like it.

Link: Grrr…

Deadeye: cracking his whip, remember that? Enough! Here's the rules:

_No alliances _

Ruto: But I wanted to team up with Linkie!

Link: shudder

__

In certain immunity challenges, some of the team members are fair game

In some immunity challenges, teaming up my be optional or required

No author powers are allowed

Chaos: Crud!

Everyone: Heh heh heh.

__

And no Sage or Triforce powers either

Everyone else: Crud!

Deadeye: Ok, build your huts so we can get to the first Immunity Challenge! First group done who has chosen a name gets smoothies!

everyone rushes off in roadrunner-esque puffs of dust

Deadeye: Gullible.

half an hour later, both teams, covered in bandages, arrive at the same time

Deadeye: Too bad. Tie. So, what're the names?

all of team 2 are standing like statues with identical drone expressions

Deadeye: Uh…Teams?

Team 2's Collective Voice: WE ARE THE BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Deadeye: O…k…Team 2 are "The BORG." And Team 1?

Link: Ready? One, two, onetwothreefour!

suspiciously familiar music starts up

Deadeye: Oh, _no_…!

All of Team 1:

__

We're Outcasts of the Round Table

We dance whene'er we're able.

jump up on table

__

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impeccable!

lots of tap-dancing

__

We dine well here in Hyrule

We eat ham and jam and spam it's cool!

even more tap-dancing

__

We're Outcasts of the Round Table

Our shows are formidable

yet more tap-dancing, and looking quite silly

__

But many times we're given rhymes 

That are quite unsingable!

everyone is simply staring at them

__

We're opera mad in Hyrule

We sing from the diaphragm so blow raspberries _you!_

Chaos, Link, Ganon and Impa do a synchronized dance number, and Ruto plays drums on the Borg Team's heads

__

In war Link's tough and able

Quite indefatigable 

dancing again, marching about, etc.

__

Between his quests he sequins vests

And impersonates Clark Gable

Link: in a sequined vest and in a Clark Gable-ish voice _It's a busy life in Hyrule…_

Deadeye: Right! Stop right there! I get your point. Team 1 are the Outcasts. 

Ruto: Uh, Chaos?

Impa: You can stop now.

Chaos: still tap-dancing Hehehe! This is great!

Deadeye: Er, let's just get to the first Immunity Challenge, ok?

Saria: Already? Isn't this supposed to last a month, or something?

Chaos: still tap-dancing I don't have that much patience. It'll be about 10 days.

Saria: Oh. 

Darunia: What's the first challenge?

Deadeye: Well, it's…crud! Not _another_ singing scene!

Impa: Kareoke?

Deadeye: Yup. So, to the stage everyone! Now! cracks whip 

__

Everyone runs, or tap-dances, to the stage…

DeadeyeDave: Ok peoples, here's the rules! Each team has to sing two songs, alone or with backup. Sing the song however you want, but I'm grading it! 

Link: Don't we get judges?

Deadeye: Yeah, me. Outcasts Team, you're up first, so go get ready!

__

Backstage…

Ruto: Who should sing? 

Impa: Ganon has a good voice, so he should. 

Ganon: Me?!

Chaos: Yes, you. Who else?

Ruto: I can't sing, so not me.

Link: You can't sing? But Lulu-er, I mean, nevermind.

Ruto: YOU (censored)!! WHO'S LULU?!?!

Impa: Squabble later! I like that word. Squabble! Squabble! Squabble!

Link: I know a song! I know a song! 

Ganon: What is it?

Link: Can't tell. But could Impa and Ruto help me with it?

Chaos: I don't see why not.

Ruto: You want me to help?! Can we sing a romantic duet?!

Link: No…I want you and Impa to be back-up dancers. 

Impa and Ruto: Oh. 

Deadeye: from front of stage You ready yet?

Ganon: No-

Link: Yes! 

__

On the stage…

Ruto and Impa are on stage, in *ahem* interesting outfits

Ruto: What do you think he's gonna sing?

Impa: Knowing Link…I have no idea.

Deadeye: Ok! You can start anytime! grabs clipboard

music starts up

Impa: Is that…? No, it couldn't be…

Ruto: He wouldn't dare.

Rauru moves in the audience chairs, turning around so he could get at his Mega-Size popcorn

Impa: Oh my gosh, Ruto, look at his butt!

Ruto: It's so big…!

Impa: He looks like one of those sumo wrestler guys.

Ruto: Ya know, I don't understand those guys. They look like they're wearing diapers, ok?

Impa: But look at his butt, I mean it's just so big, and I can't believe it's so round!

Ruto: It's really sticking out there. Gross!

Impa: He's just so fat…

Link walks out, looking like Sir Mix A Lot

Link: singin' and dancin'

__

I loathe big butts and I can not lie

You simply can not deny

When Rauru pounds by with no hint of a waist

And him with that round thing in your face

You get squashed

Wanna get away

'Cause you know that his butt just stinks

You can see it through the robe he's wearing

Wanna look away but I can't stop staring

Rauru I wanna get away from ya

Butt wouldn't fit in your picture

My friends tried to warn me

'Bout that butt you got

Fat but you're still hungry

Your skin's jiggly and rubbery

You say you wanna eat more, well you'll get bigger

Butt's already so big it could host it's own kegger

Everyone's mouths hang open as they watch Impa and Ruto dance, and how Rauru's face is slowly turning purple

__

I've seen you dancin'

Your butt hampers your prancin'

You're fat, fat, weigh more than a two-ton 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines

With food pictures chewed out that's the thing

Next to the average man you'll see that

You pack way too much back

Link and the girls bow, then exit

Everyone: …… O.o

Rauru: ……!~_~!

Deadeye: looking at Rauru's expression O..k…@_@

Link: What's with all the symbols?

Ruto: Beats me.

Impa: Let's get out of here. they go sit down in the audience

__

Meanwhile, backstage…

Ganon: I can't do it!

Chaos: You have to!

Ganon: No!

Chaos: Yes!

Ganon: No!

Chaos: Yes!

Ganon: No!

Chaos: Yes!

Ganon: NO! I-I can't…

Chaos: Well, why the heck not?

Ganon: Ever since Link shoved that radio in my ear…

Chaos: You're scarred for life?

Ganon: Yes.

Chaos: We already told Deadeye that you'd be singing! 

Ganon: I guess you'll just have to pretend that you're me.

Chaos: What?!

Deadeye: from audience Anytime!

Chaos: Grrr…

__

Back in the audience…

Link: Ganon should be ready by now…

Ruto: What's he going to sing?

Impa: No clue. You can bet it'll be dark, though.

Rauru: …

Link: Rauru?

Rauru: I'm still not speaking to you.

Deadeye: Ah, here he…is?

Chaos, wearing Ganon's armor, cape, etc. walks out on stage

Everyone: What the-?

Link: Is that Chaos?

Saria: WOAH. Ganon turned into Chaos!

Zelda: Don't be silly. Chaos obviously turned into Ganon.

music starts up

Deadeye: …Bon Jovi? What the hey…?

Everyone: Is for horses.

Chaos: obviously has no idea of what to sing Um…deepens voice To all you sages here tonig…er, day. begins singing

__

The Triforce power is what you sell

You promised me heaven and put me in hell

Sent me to the Void when ya got hold of me

But gone is the prison and now I am free

I've got a loaded gun

There's nowhere to run

No one can save you

The damage will be done

You're shot through the heart

And I'm to blame

'Cause you give Sage a bad name

I played my part but you played your game

You give Sage a bad name

You give Sage a bad name

A painted smile on your dead lips

Blood red stains my fingertips

Power was my dream, it was raised so high

Burst is my bubble so now say goodbye

I've got a loaded gun

There's nowhere to run

No one can save you

The damage will be done

You're shot through the heart

And I'm to blame

'Cause you give Sage a bad name

I played my part but you played your game

You give Sage a bad name

You give Sage a bad name

Chaos bows, and exits the stage

Deadeye: Alright…that was…interesting…

Ganon: coming out from backstage Yeah! That was great! mimes a gun with his fingers, pointing at the Sages Bang!

Chaos: Thanks. Hey, this armor's great for tap dancing! begins dancing

Link: whispering You distract her, I'll get the tranquilizer darts.

Ganon: Gotcha.

Link backs away slowly, then runs

Ganon: Um, Chaos…

Chaos: still dancing madly Yep?

Ganon: Um…let's boogie! begins dancing also

Link comes back with a dart gun. He shoots both the tap-happy dancers.

Impa: THANK you.

Deadeye: looks at the blacked-out pair. Shrugs. Ah well. Are The BORG ready yet?

Nabooru: Yep! I'm going first!

Saria: Whatcha gonna sing?

Nabooru: You'll see. Muweheheheheh…

__

On the stage, again…

a lively tune starts up

Ruto: Is that Mandy Moore?

Impa: I think so…

Nabooru steps out on stage. Through some miracle of physics, she has managed to stuff Darunia into her pockets.

Deadeye: What?!

Nabooru: prances around with Darunia in her pocket

__

Among the many Gerudo faces

You'll find me in the spaces

See the writing drawn on the wall

Stay out of quicksand to keep from sinking

Close your eyes to keep from blinking

And I'll sing this song

'Cause my clothes are too revealing

And I know what I'm needing

Nothing but Dar is in my pocket

Nothing but him to keep my hands warm

My fingers would break without him

Tell me, how much for your gloves?

I slipped Dar into my back pocket

All I got to keep my hands warm

Dar, please don't leave me here without them

How much for your gloves?

(Nothing but Dar is in my pocket)

How much for your gloves?

Nabooru stops dancing, bows, and then dumps Darunia out of her pocket

Darunia: Ow!

Deadeye: Somehow…that was just wrong.

Rauru: Me next! Me next! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud!

Link: He's going to sing?!

Rauru runs (thuds) up on the stage as the music starts up. He's wearing black leather pants and a red leather jacket and an "Eat at Joe's" T-Shirt

Rauru: eating as he's singing

__

I've never been a very fussy young man

I want some Captain Crunch, give me some Raisin Bran

Don't you know I'm starving for some Spam

So I'll eat it, I'll eat it

Don't try to argue, don't try to debate

I don't wanna hear what kinda food you hate

I want dessert right after I finish this plate

I'll eat it

I am never full

I'll eat it, eat it

Get me a dozen hams then beat it

I'll take some more chicken, got any more pie?

I don't care if it's boiled or fried

I'll eat it, eat it, I'll eat it, eat it

I'll eat it, eat it, I'll eat it, eat it

My table manners, they're a crying shame

I play with my food, it's a real fun game

But if I starve to death then you'll be to blame

I'll eat it, eat it

You better listen and do what you're told

Since you haven't touched that tuna casserole,

Mind if I chow down before it gets cold?

I'll eat it.

Rauru tries to bow, but since he doesn't have a waist, he topples over

****

Boom!

Deadeye: That was even more wrong. Immunity goes to the Outcasts!

All of Outcasts Team: YAY! victory dance

Deadeye: I've had enough dancing for one day. cracks whip Stoppit!

Ganon: Chaos, can I have back my armor?

Chaos: But I like it!

Deadeye: Ok, BORG, you hafta vote out a member.

Nabooru: Now?!

Deadeye: No, when we meet later tonight. For now, go back to your separate villages. 

__

Later, in the BORG Collective…

Saria: humming Hm hm hm _hmm _hm hm hmhm hm…

Rauru: THAT'S THE SONG LINK WAS SINGING, ISN'T IT?!?!?!

Saria: Uh, yes…

Rauru: Grrrrr…!

Saria: I'll just go over…here…now…

Saria, on the way to somewhere else, trips over some scattered rocks

Saria: Woah! Whew, that was close.

Darunia: Aiigghh! My rock garden! You've ruined it!

Saria: Sorry!

Darunia: Grrrr…!

Saria: Aaahh! runs away

__

Saria seeks refuge in Zelda's hut.

Saria: Zelda! I was walking along and humming and Rauru almost bit my head off for no reason and then when I walked away I tripped over Darunia's rock garden and almost broke my neck and he yelled at me so I came in here and did I ever tell you about this weird dream I had Chaos says it's her dream but in this dream I was sitting in my room with a couple of friends, and we were chillin' ya know, just kinda hangin' out, and suddenly Klingons invaded and my friends managed to run, but I was stuck hiding behind the door to my room, and one of the Klingon warriors came in, so I punched him hard and knocked him out and took his phaser, then ran after my friends who were already across this big ditch thing next to the house so I jumped over it and landed halfway up the other side which was really cool because it was a really long jump and it felt like I was flying but anyway I ran after them but they had disappeared into a forest which I swear wasn't supposed to be there so I followed them in and somehow ended up in a men's shower room in Venice!

Zelda: ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz…

Saria: ……

__

Meanwhile, in the Outcasts' Camp…

a victory celebration is well underway

Link: Truth or Dare, guys! Everybody gets one Truth and one Dare!

Everyone: Yeah!

Link: Ok, um, Chaos! Truth or dare!

Chaos: Um, gee, uh…Truth!

Link: Sissy. Chaos…aw, crud I can't think of one! Someone help me out!

Impa: whispers in Link's ear

Link: Perfect! Chaos, since the dream Saria, uh, shared was yours, then what was your strangest?

Chaos: Well…I think that one was my strangest. Unless you count the one where everything was polygonal and it looked like I was inside FF7, and I was at summer camp (I've never been to one) and we were about to leave but I lost my retainer, so I was looking everywhere for it.

Link: …That's it?

Chaos: Yup. Ok, Ruto! Truth or Dare!

Ruto: Dare! Dare!

Chaos: Ok! Ruto, I dare you to dress as someone in this room, other than yourself! And you have to imitate them for the rest of the game!

Ruto: Ok…hmmm…runs into another room

Ganon: Who do you think she'll pick?

Link: Probably me.

Ruto: comes back, dressed as none other than…Impa! Hey, Impa, is this supposed to be a katana you've got strapped to your bum, or bicycle handles?

Impa: Not telling.

Ruto: Hmph. Link, Truth or Dare!

Link: Crud. 

Chaos: Hahaha! Either way, she's got you!

Link: I know. Dare.

Ruto: I dare you to kiss me!

Link: Ok! gets up…and kisses Impa!

Impa: Wow…!

Ruto: AY! You were supposed to kiss me!

Link: But you're Impa! So, I kissed Impa! 

Impa: Heh heh heh…

Link: Speaking of which, Ganon! Truth or Dare!

Ganon: Um, Dare!

Link: I dare you to…whispers to Ganon

Ganon: Grrr. Ok…

__

In the BORG Collective…

sort of a post-defeat meeting

Zelda: I can't believe we lost…

Darunia: Now someone has to be voted out…

Saria: What do you suppose the Outcasts are doing…?

__

Just then, Ganon enters to complete his dare…

Ganon: wearing a sign that says VICTORY 

__

I had visions I was in them I was looking into the mirror

To see a little bit clearer 

The rotten little losers behind me

Tastebuds have memories

I can't forget the taste of your defeat

And since I feel a bit naughty

I'll run it up the flagpole to see

That everyone knows that you lost, 'cause…

everyone begins to chase him, and he runs, still singing

Ganon: _Paranoia! Paranoia! Everybody's coming to get me! _stops singing Run run run, as fast as you can, but you won't catch me, I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN! blows raspberry

__

Back in the Outcasts' Camp, Ganon has returned…

Ganon: Hehehe! That was fun! 

Link: Ya got it on tape, right?

Ganon: Of course! Ok, Impa, Truth or Dare!

Impa: Dare your worst.

Ganon: I dare you to…drink as much hot sauce as you can!

Impa: What?!

Ganon: Do it!

Impa: Very well…gets the Super-Hot Sauce Bottoms up! guzzle, guzzle

Everyone: gasp!

Impa: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!!! Bugger, that's HOT! AAHHGG! 

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Impa: Oooooooohhh…Chaos! Your turn for a dare!

Chaos: Ach. Dare away!

Impa: I dare you…to…to…

Ruto: whispers something

Impa: Great! Chaos, I dare you to give Link a makeover!

Link: WHAT?!

Chaos: WHAT?! I know nothing of makeup!

Impa: Too bad. 

Chaos: Alright. I'll need someone's makeup case, though…

Impa: Here. gives her a makeup case

Chaos: Thanks. C'mere, Link!

__

20 minutes later…

Link: his hair has been dyed into a rainbow, and cut to a mohawk. He has on badly smeared lipstick, blue blush, and black eyeshadow I hate you. 

Chaos: Hehehehehehe! Ruto, Truth time!

Ruto: Okies!

Chaos: blinks Ok…Ruto, what's your _second_ most precious possession?

Ruto: That would be my copy of the video you made when you punished Link by making him fall in love with me.

Link: And let us never talk of that again.

Ruto: Hmmm…Ganon! Truth!

Ganon: Truth then.

Ruto: What did you do while you were in the Void?

Ganon: Learned to play the guitar.

Ruto: Oh.

Ganon: Truth time for you, Impa! If you're supposed to be guardian of the royal family, you should know this.

Impa: Ask.

Ganon: Why is the royal crypt infested with ReDeads and filled with acid?

Link: I wouldn't mind knowing that as well!

Impa: Well, the man who built the crypt was a schizophrenic, and didn't know his alternate persona was a thief. So when he found items from the royal crypt in his possession all the time, he started booby trapping the crypt, but since he knew what the traps were, his other self could disarm them. Eventually, he filled the crypt with acid and some ReDeads, and we never heard of him again.

Link: Oh.

Impa: Your Truth, Link. If you had to get married today, who would you choose?

Link: Uh…

Ruto: Pickmepickme!

Link: I'd choose-

Deadeye: Ay! It's time for the meeting!

Ruto: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Deadeye: What?

Ruto: YOU RUINED IT! HE WAS GONNA PICK ME I KNOW IT!

Deadeye: I sense I've interrupted something…

__

After they calmed Ruto down, and bandaged Deadeye, the meeting began…

Deadyey: Ok everyone! The Outcasts have Immunity, so the BORG must now vote out one of their own! To the voting stations, BORG! 

****

Darunia's Vote: Saria

Darunia: She doesn't work with the team, and there's no real use in keeping her around. I voted Saria.

****

Zelda's Vote: Saria

Zelda: I had this really weird dream involving Klingons and Venice, then I found out it was because Saria told me it while I was sleeping. If she's going to mess with people's dreams, then she can do it somewhere else. I vote Saria.

****

Rauru's Vote: Saria

Rauru: She's laughing at me behind my back, I know it! I vote Saria.

****

Nabooru's Vote: Saria

Nabooru: An island like this is no place for children. Saria must go, for her own good.

****

Saria's Vote: Saria

Saria: We vote for who we want to win, right? Isn't that how this works? I vote for myself then.

Deadeye: And the results are…unanimous! Saria's out of here!

Saria: WHAT?!

Deadeye: Everybody voted against you Sar. Tough luck.

Saria: …YOU (censored)!!! 

Deadeye: No need for that. Chaos, you're a contestant, so may I?

Chaos: You may.

Deadeye: narrating _Saria was sent back to the castle to wait for the end of the game…_

Saria: Noooooooooo!

Deadeye: Hehehe, that's kind of fun.

Chaos: Isn't it though?

Deadeye: Well, everyone should go back and get some sleep. Tomorrow's another day! 

Nabooru: Obviously.

****

Day 3

__

In the Outcasts Camp…

the remains of the victory party can be seen, seeing as that they're not invisible or anything, so of course they can be seen. Link is still wearing the makeup and haircut

Everyone: ZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz…

Deadeye: GOOOOOOOOD-MOOOOOOOOOOOOORNING!!!

Everyone: Aaaaahhhh!

Deadeye: Time to get up. Make yourselves some breakfast, then meet down at the Challenge area in, say, two hours. K? Good! Bye!

Everyone: …

Chaos: Well, that was abrupt.

Link: Anyone in here know how to cook?

everyone stares at Impa

Impa: sigh Very well, I'll cook…but I expect help!

__

And, in the BORG Collective…

everyone is still asleep. Rauru takes up half the hut, Zelda has her own curtained-off corner, and Darunia is, once again, in Nabooru's pockets

Nabooru: waking up Uhg…ahy?…huh? Ay! Darunia, what are you doing in my pockets?!

Darunia: But it's so comfy! 

Deadeye: And that's even more wrong. Everybody, GET UP! GREET THE DAY! Then be at the challenge area in two hours. Cheerio!

Rauru: ZZZZzzzz…mmm…Cheerios…ZZZzzz…

__

Two hours later, at the Immunity Cove…

Both teams have assembled and are waiting for Deadeye, who's looking at the notecard for the challenge's directions

Deadeye: Hmmm…

Everyone: …

Deadeye: Hmmm…

Everyone: …

Deadeye: Hmmm…

Everyone: …Soooooooo…?!

Deadeye: Huh? Oh. Today's Immunity Challenge is certainly…odd.

Zelda: So will you tell us what it is already?

Deadeye: Alright. You all have 2 hours to catch as many as you can.

Nabooru: As many what?

Deadeye: Bosses. This is Boss Wrangling Challenge. cracks whip GO!

everyone is stunned for a minute

Chaos: looks at Ganon …grabs him GOT ONE!!

Ganon: Hey!

Chaos: Is for horses.

Ganon: Is this legal?

Deadeye: I'll allow it!

Chaos: Yay! puts Ganon into the Outcasts' Boss Holding Chamber

Ganon: I'll get you for this…

__

Meanwhile…

Link is hunting through the jungle

Link: This'll be easy! I catch these guys for a living!

there is a rustle in the bushes

Link: Gasp! There's one now! Come out and show yourself!

Small Thing From Bushes: leaping out YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Link: EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!

__

Elsewhere…

Darunia is in a clearing

Darunia: Do I hear…drums…?

there is a drumming sound

Darunia: That beat…it's so…WOW!! WHAT A HOT BEAT!! begins doing that silly dance of his

Bongo Bongo: drumming the ground with his hands Yeah! Hot beat!

(A/N: Does BB even _have_ a mouth?! How does he talk?!)

the two dancing sillysters dance their merry way to the BORG Containment Room

__

And, somewhere else…

Zelda walks into a smaller clearing. The ground is wet.

Zelda: Hmm. Got to be one here…I heard some really disgusting slobbering and belches earlier…walks deeper into clearing RAURU?!

Rauru is sitting on a rock. A round grape-ish bob is next to him

Rauru: belch Yum!

Zelda: What the…recognizes grape-like orb OH MY GOSH RAURU, YOU _ATE_ MORPHA?!?!?!

Rauru: Morpha? I thought it was Jell-O!

__

And, checking up on Ruto…

Ruto is, naturally, in a pond. A large pond.

Ruto: speaking Zoran, 'cause she's underwater Kee! Kee! Yah-kee! (Translation: I saw something in the water. Yah-kee!)

JAWS theme! Dun dun dun dun dun dundundundun!

Ruto: Kiiish? (Translation: Huh?)

a black shape creeps up

Ruto: …? (Translation: …!)

Gyorg: Krrrrrr-kkii-ththththt-kkkrrrrggg! (Translation: We must have lunch sometime!)

Ruto: KEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAAH!! (Translation: KEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAAH!!)

__

Back to Link…

Link: Ok don't panic there's something out here stalking me and it's really scary and it's stalking me. pause I'M PANICKING!!! AAAHHH!!

dull thuds are heard 

Link: It's coming back it's coming back oh no oh no what'll I do what'll I do?! I know…RUN!!

Ghot crashes through the bushes, doing that cool Ghot roar!

Link: being chased by Ghot, don't ask me how Link's fast enough to race him AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

__

And, to check up on Z again…

Zelda: I can't believe…oh, wait, yes I _can_ believe Rauru ate Morpha!

rustling is in a bush…again…

Zelda: It must be a Boss! Gasp!

rustling is also in another bush

Zelda: There's two of them…begins twitching in panic

Odowola: leaping out of bush um, whatever that Odowola-type roar is. I can't spell it.

Majora Incarnation: leaping out of other bush sigh, again, the Majora Incarnation type high-pitched squeaks. I can't spell those either.

Zelda: If I stay quiet, maybe they won't see me…

Odowola: I'm making up the sound, ok? Kyuuna! Kyuuna! Ahvitahsoy! Ahvitahsoy! swings sword

Majora: making these up too Keeou-kut! Kut! Kut! Neee-hee! does that silly-looking dance he does when he's not running around like mad

Zelda: ……

__

Suddenly, both Bosses realize Zelda is there…

Zelda: $#*!

__

Heh heh heh. What's Nabooru doing, hmmm…?

Nabooru has drifted over to the more desert-like parts of the island, naturally

Nabooru: Not a Boss in sight…

****

Wham!

It seems as though Nabooru ran smack into something. Or, rather, an angry someone

Volvagia: GRRRRR!!!

Nabooru: Uh..um…ulp Grrr?

Volvagia: Grrr? GRR! GR?

Nabooru: Grrr! Gr-grr grr!

Volvagia: GRR! 

they both walk or fly back to the BORG Containment Room, Grrr-ing all the way

__

And, how about Impa?

Impa is stalking the jungle

Impa: I am a warrior. I am a warrior. I fear nothing. I am a warrior…

a rustling in the bushes. Again.

Impa: …!

Skullkid: leaping out of bushes YEEEE! BOOOYAAAA!! 

Impa: Oh, it's you. 

Skullkid: WHAT? YOU'RE NOT SCARED?

Impa: No. 

Skullkid: OH.

Impa: Hey…you're a Boss, right?

Skullkid: WELL…I WAS THE MAIN ENEMY FOR A BIT…WHY?

Impa: Oh, nothing. Sleep now. 

Skullkid: HUH-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Impa slings Skullkid over her shoulder and marches back to the Outcasts' Boss Holding Chamber

__

Oooh, time's almost up. To the Immunity Cove!

Deadeye: Time's almost up…Z, Link, and Ruto haven't come back…

Ganon: from cell Maybe they were killed! Heh heh heh…

__

Don't get your hopes up. Here comes Z now…

Ganon: Drat.

As promised, Zelda comes back, holding the hands of Odowola and Majora. They kinda look like a scene from Wizard of Oz…

Zelda, Odowola, and Majora: Heroes, Bosses, and Authors, oh my!

Odowola and Majora walk into their cages and wave goodbye to Zelda

Zelda: I made some new friends!

Deadeye: That's…nice…but where are Link and Ruto?

__

On the way, unfortunately…

Deadeye: a dull thudding is heard Oh. 

thudding gets very loud

Link: riding Ghot like the mechanical bull that he is YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA!!!!

Deadeye: AHH! jumps out of the way as Link rides Ghot into the pen-thing

Link: being thrown from Ghot AAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!! 

****

Crash.

Link landed in a tree. Nobody helps him.

Deadeye: Oooook…that's Link…but Ruto?

a splashing sound is heard

Deadeye: I don't want to know…I don't want to know…

Everyone else: I DO!!!

In a spectacular display of Special Effects, Ruto comes riding in on Gyorg (don't ask me how)

Ruto: AY YI YI YI YI YI YI! The Xena thing-yell

Gyorg flips around for a bit, then into his stall/cage just as time runs out

Everyone: Bra-vo!

Deadeye: Nice. But you still lost. The score is: Outcasts- 4, BORG-5!!

BORG Team: YAAAAAYYYY!!!

Outcasts Team: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Deadeye: Immunity goes to BORG!

__

Much later, at the Voting-Out thingie…

Deadeye: Ok, Outcasts. One of you has to be cast out. Vote! Now! cracks whip

****

Chaos's Vote: Ganon

Chaos: Sorry, Ganon, but you're going to try revenge for the stunt I pulled today. Therefore, I must eliminate the threat. 

****

Link's Vote: Ruto

Link: Do I really need to explain this? She makes me nervous. And I just know Chaos is thinking up ways to torture me using her.

****

Ruto's Vote: Impa

Ruto: Link kissed her! She's competition! Nobody can have Link but ME!

****

Ganon's Vote: Link

Ganon: I must get back at Chaos for that stunt she pulled! And I don't want to get rid of Impa, 'cause she's the only one that can cook. Chaos could ruin grilled cheese. (A/N: It's true! I have!)

****

Impa's Vote: Ruto

Impa: I have the feeling she's angry with me. Besides, she's such a fussy eater! I don't like to cook fish, then she complains about it!

Deadeye: And the results are…Ruto!

Ruto: WHAT?!

Deadeye: Close call, but you're out. 

Ruto: Link, you better not have voted for me!

Link: Well, I…erm, no, of course not! whistles innocently

Ruto: I knew you wouldn't! tries to kiss him

Link: AIGH! Dave, get her away!

Deadeye: Gladly. narrating _Ruto was sent back to the castle to wait…_

Everyone: …YAY!

__

Later, at the BORG Collective…

Darunia: Whoo! We won! We won!

Nabooru: No, we didn't. We just got off lucky.

Darunia: We didn't win?

Rauru: Not yet.

Zelda: Hey…what do you think the prize is?

Darunia: A box of rocks!

Rauru: A lifetime supply of jelly donuts!

Zelda: A big bag of M&M's! And a free castle!

Nabooru: Is all you ever think about food?

Rauru: YES!

Nabooru: Thought so. I'm going to bed.

Zelda: Why so early? We should celebrate!

Darunia: Yeah! sings Weeeeeeeeee are the chaaaaaaaaampions, my frieeeeeeeends!

Everyone else: …everyone throws something at him

Darunia: OW! Fine, I'll stop.

Everyone: Good.

__

Eventually, after much throwing of objects, everyone went to bed, and awaited the new day…

Author's note again: Sorry peoples. I wanted to finish this in one chapter, but it was getting long, so I decided to post this part now, then combine it later, ok? I've selected a punishment too, by the way…(I actually selected it before an anonymous reviewer left a similar suggestion. Whoever you are, maybe you're psychic). Enjoy this part for now, and keep you eyes open for the next installment!


	19. Survivor, Second Half Of. Kinda.

Author's Note: No, despite all rumors, I am neither dead nor undead. I may be known as Death, but right now I am a happy Death! Because I have my happy hat! displays a small Santa hat with bows all over it That, and I saw Lord of the Rings, and I don't know how music can drip, but it was dripping with inspiration! Combined with the infamous Happy Hat, I sat down to write! I do apologize for the extreme lack of updating, and I really don't have an excuse except laziness. Sorry. And BE HAPPY!

Oh, and I still desperately need another volunteer or three for the next chapter! I still need two camera operators and a narrator! 

Also, sorry Blue, but I had to do it. Don't hate me, but you did tick me off a bit, and I was forced to take action.

Disclaimer: Don't own, never have, never will. But I have a Happy Hat!

****

Chapter 19: Survivor, Second Half of. Kinda.

__

Wow, been a while. Things aren't quiet, though. A certain Blue Keaton tried to move in while Chaos was off somewhere, so I had to evict him…and he destroyed my House of Cards! sobs I worked for months on that thing! Oh well. The Keaton threat has been neutralized…Hey, what are you looking at me like that for? And what's with the straitjacket? Hey! Put that down! 

Super Smash Bros. Intercom Voice: We regret to inform you that we are experiencing technical difficulties. Your Narrator has been taken in for a psychological evaluation. In the mean time, we present you with a substitute. 

sounds of a scuffle are heard

Unknown Voice: Hey! Put me down! So help me, I'll blast you with my psycho powers!

SSB. IV: Oh, be quiet. Wait a minute- BLAST?! No! Don't!

very, very large explosion

UV: AIGH! My Portal to my Psycho System! Blown to smithereens! Look what you've made me do!

SSB. IV: Well, it's your own fault. What was it doing there in the first place? This is the Narrate-a-Verse.

UV: Um…

SSB. IV: Thought so. Well, you've been drafted, so get to work.

the UV is pushed into view, and is revealed to be…Blue Keaton!

Blue: Gah! You don't have to shove…perks up wait a minute…why me?!

the SSB. IV points to a note stuck to the fridge with a magnet, and Dark Link is dragged away to white, padded rooms unknown

Blue: Huh? reads the note

__

Blue-

Sorry I had Dark blow up your stuff. I guess I over-reacted a little. But you shouldn't have moved in w/o permission. Anyway, Dark has to go to a little white room for a bit, so please take over the narrating for a while. Try not to blow up the castle. 

-Chaos

Blue: Oh…stops Hold the phone- I'm in charge of the castle!! WHOO HOO!

the voted-outs, woken up by the disturbance, find themselves at the mercy of a colored keaton…

Blue: laughing maniacly MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HA HA!!!

****

In the Outcasts' Camp…

Link: Chaos, are you sure it was a good idea to leave Keaton in charge of things…?

Chaos: looking at dictionary Of course! It'll be fine!

a maniacal echo is heard- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HA HA!!!

Chaos: Um, I think…

Link: I hope…

Chaos: …Well, too late now. begins reading dictionary again Lessee…In…san...it…y…

****

And, in the BORG Collective…

everyone is still asleep. Rauru is, again, taking up half the tent and snoring loudly

Deadeye: appears ……

Everyone: snore

Deadeye: …WAKE UP.

Everyone: snort, groan, etc. Huh?

Deadeye: Immunity Challenge in half an hour. Be at the place thingy by then.

Zelda: Well, you're cheerful this morning.

Deadeye: Yeah, I know. There's no coffee on this island. I like coffee. Coffee is my friend…leaves

Darunia: O-K.

Nabooru: Is it just me, or do people seem to go over the edge when they spend too much time around Chaos? 

****

About a half hour later, in the challenge place thingy…

the Outcasts are already there, and the BORG are just arriving, apparently in the middle of an argument

Nabooru: Yes they do!

Zelda: No they don't!

Nabooru: Yes they do!

Zelda: No they don't!

Link: What are they on about?

Darunia: Nabooru says that people go over the edge when they're around Chaos, and Zelda doesn't think so.

Ganon: But Zelda's insane, and Mido probably went insane, and they were around Chaos…

Rauru: Yeah. Hey, where is Mido? Haven't seen him for a while.

Impa: And Skullkid. He escaped from the icebox.

Link: When did this happen?

Impa: Remember your punishment? When Chaos-

Link: AHH! Don't speak of it!

Impa: Well, anyway, I meant to tell you, but the tape was more important.

Darunia: Yeah, it was!

Link: Hey!

Ganon: Is for horses. Speaking of which…

Rauru: Speaking of what?

Ganon: Isn't there someone else missing?

there is a long pause, with Zelda and Nabooru still arguing in the backround

Darunia: I think there is, but I can't place it

Rauru: Place what where?

everyone smacks their heads in unison

Rauru: Cool! Teach me to do that!

Nabooru and Zelda suddenly stop arguing

Nabooru: Hey, Chaos! Isn't it true you make people go insane?

Zelda: Say it isn't so!

Chaos: …

Nabooru: Uh, Chaos?

Chaos: …

Zelda: Uhmm, could you repeat that?

Chaos: …

Zelda: Thanks. 

Chaos: …

Ganon: ???

Chaos: …, …

Ganon: …!

Link: …What in Hyrule are you doing?

Ganon: Can't you see we're having a serious conversation here? 

Link: …oh…

Zelda: I take it back. Nabooru, you're right.

Nabooru: Told ya.

Impa: No, really, what are you doing?

Ganon: Talking.

Link: About what?

Ganon: Well, Chaos says she's not only lost her notes, but…

Chaos: ……, …!

Ganon: …Um, her Inspiration/Plot Bunnies/Muses are on vacation.

Rauru: Plot what?

Impa: Plot Bunnies. Mythical animals of legend that are said to posses the powers of inspiration to any who own them.

Rauru: Oh. I thought you meant the chocolate bunnies.

Link: And the Muses?

Impa: I don't really know about them. Someone who gives ideas, I guess.

Link: Ah.

DeadeyeDave walks in from wherever he was

Deadeye: Hey! What's going on?

Chaos: …

Deadeye: You've lost your notes and your Inspirations are on vacation? My condolences.

Chaos: …

Ganon: Pardon?

Chaos: …, …

Ganon: Oh.

Rauru: Jell-Oh?

Ganon: No. She um, said, something about cliches.

Link: Said…? 

Deadeye: She said that we have become…shudder Stuck In A Rut.

Nabooru: Stuck?

Zelda: Rut?

Deadeye: Stuck In A Rut. begins skipping like an old record Stuck In A Rut. Stuck In A Rut. Stuck In A Rut…

Chaos: suddenly acts her usual semi-normal Eureka! taps Deadeye upside the head. He stops skipping.

Darunia: Now what?

Chaos: I can't finish the Survivor thing without my notes, right?

Everyone: Right.

Chaos: And I probably lost my notes because we're Stuck In A Rut, right?

Everyone: Right.

Chaos: So what do you do when you're Stuck In A Rut?

Everyone: ……

Link: Kill something and or someone?

Ganon: Take over the world?

Rauru: Eat?

Zelda: Raise taxes?

Nabooru: Steal from the rich and give to the poor?

Darunia: Mine for rocks?

Impa: Laundry?

Deadeye: Write something else?

Chaos: Yes! We write something else! 

Impa: You're in the middle of a chapter!

Chaos: So we put it on hold. We go back to the castle, set things up for the next chapter.

Nabooru: What's so special about the next chapter? 

Link: Did you forget?

Nabooru: Obviously.

Ganon: She's going to humiliate Kilt-Man here and me!

Link: Hey!

Everyone: Is for horses.

Deadeye: Then, you don't need me…?

Chaos: Nope.

Deadeye: Then I'll get back to my Scrabble game! narrates out

Rauru: Can we go home now?

Chaos: First, we need to stop by the Men In White's place and get Dark out. He's gotta host the next chapter.

Darunia: Oh yeah…

Chaos: C'mon then, let's go see if Blue's blown up the castle yet…narrating _So, the remaining Survivors were teleported back to the castle…_

2nd Author Note: Yeah, I know this one is short and unfunny, but like I said, I'm Stuck In A Rut. Stuck In A Rut. Stuck In A Rut….

gets smacked upside the head

Ow! Well, I'll get the next chap up when I can, Ok?


End file.
